Tuesday 1 February 2011

Kevin's death


Kevin died on Sunday evening. He had been fighting so hard right to the end, but that last day he was confused and struggling. In the end they had to sedate him. I know that the last thing to go is your hearing. I also knew that Kevin wanted to finish the house and see my birthday through. He went into a hospice on the Thursday. When they placed the oxygen mask over his face he smiled and said "I will be home for your birthday." My good friend the driver (as she has called herself in the comments) told me all about the birthday plans he had for me, she knew where he had put the present, and all the other plans he had! Kevin liked to make his mark on birthdays etc, he always put great effort into such things.

Having been in the hospice all night with him on the Saturday, my second night vigil, I went off to see Dennis on the Sunday morning, who was playing and staying at a friends. I had tried to prepare him for what was to come, he said "Mummy, why did you tell me that, I don't want to know." "I just want to play with my friends."

Apparently his play had been quite busy, he was trying to distract himself. He had also insisted on making me a birthday cake, but he also wanted a slice. It was covered in pink icing and purple glitter sugar and flake, an odd combination, but what he thought should be on his mum's cake. My friend laughed and said "It will be a bit stale by Thursday", so we all decided that as Dennis had earmarked the slice he wanted (the one with the most glitter sugar and a huge bit of flake", we would have an early birthday celebration. So they all sang happy birthday and we had coffee and cake. Then an idea came to me, and started to grow, with the help of the driver. If he was waiting for my birthday, we would bring my birthday to him.

I went home, dressed up, got my present out of the hiding place. It is a necklace, we had both seen it about two weeks before, but it seemed a bit pricey to me, of course Kevin had gone back to get it, or got someone else to get it. I put the necklace on, and got ready to go back. I told him, it was my birthday and showed him a picture of my cake (he wasn't looking, he was completely out of it, by then). I told him I had the necklace. I also told him the house was finished and it looks lovely (its not, but it nearly is) I told him lots of other things too, about how I felt and how good we had been together. I promised him I would always see him as my Will-o-the Wisp, he would be the wind in the trees when out running and would always run faster than me (Kevin was very competitive). About two weeks before I had told him I would do the London Marathon for him in 2012, for Beating Bowel Cancer. He had just raised over £5000 for them, walking the Great Wall of China (in September). I promised him I would not beat his marathon time, but I told him his neice definitely would! (She is competitive, like him).

I told him, that this was the bit I couldn't do with him, we had always dealt with his treatments etc as a team, but this was not something I could not help him with. I said I would be there, all the time, if not in the room, I was getting a drink or something, I would be close by. I told him I wasn't afraid (I was). I was relying on this information I had that the hearing is the last thing to go.

I stepped out of the room, to call his niece, I thought I would put the phone to his ear, he could hear her say goodbye, they have always been close, and she lives in Tokyo. I was just finding the number and working out the time. Just as I was out of the room, he died. The nurses came to me, they stood there, and by the look on their faces I knew.

It was all so quick, but so perfectly timed! Other than I was not in the room! That was typical of Kevin! I had been waiting for some awful changing to his breathing, or a long last struggle, but no, he waited till I wasn't there, and quickly slipped away! He couldn't have faced an embarrassing moment, unless he could laugh it off! Perhaps he sensed my lie and knew how scared I was.

17 comments:

  1. Thats k for you. Xxxx I went for a run yesterday... And I know he was there. Xxx

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  2. You know, similar happened with my Dad. We told him it was OK if he wanted to go. He wasn't expected to die that day but he died two hours later. We weren't sure if he heard us, but I believe he did.

    My thoughts are with you and Dennis. x

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  3. I am in awe of your strength to write this and grateful that you shared it. I am thinking of you and Dennis and if you ever want a friendly local ear than I am here with plenty of sparkly purple and chocolate cake and tea. Xx

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  4. I have heard before of people leaving the room for two minutes and that's when the person dies. How can something so traumatic be so strangely beautiful at the same time? You had a wonderful opportunity to say all you wanted to say to him and I'm sure he heard you. Enjoy your running with him in your thoughts. xx

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  5. Gemma, he will always be with us running!

    Thank you all for your comments and following, blogging has really helped me through this journey, it may not be everyone's way, but it was mine. Kevin liked me doing it to, he always wanted people to understand.

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  6. He knew how much that 'bit' as you described it frightened you and wanted to save you from it. Thank you for sharing this intimate account.

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  7. I've only recently started following you on twitter and reading your blog.
    This post has had me in tears, I so feel for you.
    I wish all your family the very best at this time, you are in my thoughts.
    Good luck doing the marathon!

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  8. What a fantastic man he sounds, looking after you until the end and how nice of you to do that for him, perfect x

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  9. I never met Kevin, but I feel that I know him from your blogging, and wish that I had. Genius idea on your birthday Caroline, that necklace will be precious indeed. Thanks so much for sharing such personal moments, love and wishes to you and Dennis xxx

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  10. I have never met you guys but know this, you and your sun will find some peace eventually, somewhere. And we are all thinking of you too.

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  11. So sorry to hear this, sending warm thoughts xx

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  12. you were so strong, as always right up to the end Caroline. You have my upmost admiration for doing what was needed for K to feel free to go!
    Bless you lovely & all my love to you & your little'un! X

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  13. You have an amazing way with words and share the process of your journey beautifully. Your beloved sounds like a lovely guy, hold on to your memories and let them carry you when all around seems like madness x

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  14. What an absolutely beautiful post, the way you describe it is so heartfelt and with such love. Reading it, I get a real sense of your mutual love and devotion. Such a strong lady, my thoughts are with you.

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  15. What strength you must have to share your experience and I truly hope you have gained strength from the positive thoughts that are being sent back to you.

    What a gift to have experienced such love together, your son will benefit so very much from the love and openness with which you have approached this x

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  16. You're an amazing, courageous lady, and Kevin sounds like he was your perfect match, and vice versa. I know you dont want the usual responses of 'sirry' and 'thinking of you' as per your previous blog, so I'll just say that Kevin will be up there watching over you both with a smile on his face xxx

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  17. I am so sorry...also for my delayed reading of your latest posts.
    Running with Kevin these days seems so natural and best way to keep in touch with him. I wish you come home energised and happy after every run with Kevin beside you.

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