Monday, 27 December 2010

The Last Christmas

I know it is Christmas time and everyone is getting excited about what they will get, and then the New Year will follow and everyone will think about the year ahead, and what their hopes are for it.
I am approaching this season with a huge sense of dread. It was six years ago at this time of year that my husband, Kevin got diagnosed with cancer for the first time, it was four years ago at this time of year that we were told it had come back and now this year, we are told he has months to live.

My six year old is all excited, for him its a magical time of year. He is terribly excited about Santa coming in three sleeps, so excited that he can barely sleep at night. We, husband and I, on the other hand are looking at this very differently.. How are we going to help our son through this, what is ahead of us, how will we cope?

For years Christmas has always been a bit of a strain, deciding how we are going to get to all the relatives within the time constraints etc. Finally this year, we fought for it to be the way we wanted it to be. I was even starting to get quite excited, then Kevin started to be in alot of pain. The doctor gave him some painkillers, he went back and got stronger ones, then stronger ones. He then started to complain that the drugs were affecting his movement and memory, this caused worries, as these were not side effects of the drugs. It turns out that the cancer has now gone to his brain.

And now our Christmas plans have changed dramatically! I have gone from looking forwards to it, to just wanting to get through it!!