Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Kevin died on Sunday evening. He had been fighting so hard right to the end, but that last day he was confused and struggling. In the end they had to sedate him. I know that the last thing to go is your hearing. I also knew that Kevin wanted to finish the house and see my birthday through. He went into a hospice on the Thursday. When they placed the oxygen mask over his face he smiled and said "I will be home for your birthday." My good friend the driver (as she has called herself in the comments) told me all about the birthday plans he had for me, she knew where he had put the present, and all the other plans he had! Kevin liked to make his mark on birthdays etc, he always put great effort into such things.
Having been in the hospice all night with him on the Saturday, my second night vigil, I went off to see Dennis on the Sunday morning, who was playing and staying at a friends. I had tried to prepare him for what was to come, he said "Mummy, why did you tell me that, I don't want to know." "I just want to play with my friends."
Apparently his play had been quite busy, he was trying to distract himself. He had also insisted on making me a birthday cake, but he also wanted a slice. It was covered in pink icing and purple glitter sugar and flake, an odd combination, but what he thought should be on his mum's cake. My friend laughed and said "It will be a bit stale by Thursday", so we all decided that as Dennis had earmarked the slice he wanted (the one with the most glitter sugar and a huge bit of flake", we would have an early birthday celebration. So they all sang happy birthday and we had coffee and cake. Then an idea came to me, and started to grow, with the help of the driver. If he was waiting for my birthday, we would bring my birthday to him.
I went home, dressed up, got my present out of the hiding place. It is a necklace, we had both seen it about two weeks before, but it seemed a bit pricey to me, of course Kevin had gone back to get it, or got someone else to get it. I put the necklace on, and got ready to go back. I told him, it was my birthday and showed him a picture of my cake (he wasn't looking, he was completely out of it, by then). I told him I had the necklace. I also told him the house was finished and it looks lovely (its not, but it nearly is) I told him lots of other things too, about how I felt and how good we had been together. I promised him I would always see him as my Will-o-the Wisp, he would be the wind in the trees when out running and would always run faster than me (Kevin was very competitive). About two weeks before I had told him I would do the London Marathon for him in 2012, for Beating Bowel Cancer. He had just raised over £5000 for them, walking the Great Wall of China (in September). I promised him I would not beat his marathon time, but I told him his neice definitely would! (She is competitive, like him).
I told him, that this was the bit I couldn't do with him, we had always dealt with his treatments etc as a team, but this was not something I could not help him with. I said I would be there, all the time, if not in the room, I was getting a drink or something, I would be close by. I told him I wasn't afraid (I was). I was relying on this information I had that the hearing is the last thing to go.
I stepped out of the room, to call his niece, I thought I would put the phone to his ear, he could hear her say goodbye, they have always been close, and she lives in Tokyo. I was just finding the number and working out the time. Just as I was out of the room, he died. The nurses came to me, they stood there, and by the look on their faces I knew.
It was all so quick, but so perfectly timed! Other than I was not in the room! That was typical of Kevin! I had been waiting for some awful changing to his breathing, or a long last struggle, but no, he waited till I wasn't there, and quickly slipped away! He couldn't have faced an embarrassing moment, unless he could laugh it off! Perhaps he sensed my lie and knew how scared I was.