Friday, 28 January 2011

Is it crunch time?

We seem to be entering the last stages of the cancer journey. This is very hard, which is to be expected. However much you try and prepare yourself for the inevitable, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I thought i had prepared myself, and also have always felt that we cope very well with it. What hit me this week though, is there is no "we" in this. Kevin and I have helped each other through this journey. We have been there to support each other, mainly with inappropriate humour and the odd argument followed by a frank chat about how well we are doing.

My friends keep saying "you don't have to do this alone", and thankfully i am not alone, they are doing many practical things for me. But i am still alone. This is not one you can delegate, its not like filing, or a project that someone else can do for you. Its not really possible to say "Can you please sit with my husband while he is in pain and suffering, because i really don't have the time to do this...." as much as my body sometimes screams to do so, i can't walk away from this, and i have no choice but to face it alone. Normally when things are hard, i go home to Kevin and whinge a bit, talk about how awful/ stupid it is. When i go home after this, i will have to remain strong and composed for Dennis.

So yes, i am getting better at asking for help, and have farmed out many duties, but there is no-one else who can do this for me, and no-one who can make it feel better afterwards. That does not mean that i won't appreciate the calls from friends etc, but i know that it will never be the same. Kevin has always been good at getting me through things, sometimes a bit brutally, he doesn't tolerate "victim behaviour" well, and can be a bit harsh at times, but we always get through it - together. This one, i have to face alone.

I had always assumed/ hoped that my first "watching someone die" experience would be someone other than my husband. I am not scared of being alone, i have been alone before. I am not scared of being a single parent, although it was not what i wanted. But i am terrified of watching the man i love fight for every breath and look so vulnerable. "Crunch time" is the bit that really scares me and here we are.


  1. Oh my goodness, what to say. I have lost many people in my family to cancer, but never right there in front of me. I cannot even imagine what it must be like for you to watch your husband or lover go through it and not be able to help. I love the way you are so frank and modest about the way you deal with this - you are amazing, so is he. I think no matter how much you prepare for something, theres always something that you missed or never thought of.
    I wish I knew you personally, you are an inspiration to others. You still have emotions and you have to go through each one before you can move onto another.
    I am so rambling now...Joanne (@jobywanuk)x

  2. Just wanted to send you a massive (((((((HUG)))))) this evening.

  3. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I have heard teh sad, sad news about your husband. I dont have any magic words, but just to let you know I have been here on your blog

  4. Thanks to Chrissie tweeting a link I found your blog a few days ago. I just heard the news tonight.

    When I met you at "St Albans Tweet-up" a few months ago it never occurred to me your life was that different to mine - how wrong I was.

    When we've exchanged comments on twitter your personal story never featured - I thought you were "just like everyone else" - wrong again...

    Your ability to not give away to people what was really going on in your life, to come across as a normal, happy person when we did meet; this just resonates with me now so very much... you're so brave and so strong. Well done for how well you've managed so far. Stay strong.

    Our wishes are with you.

  5. Just a friend of a friend passing by via twitter, and thinking of you. Hope that's appropriate. Hugs.

  6. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I started reading your blog very recently, after being referred to it by a Twitter friend. I hope it brings just a tiny bit of comfort to know you and your son are being thought of at this awful time - by friends and strangers alike. x

  7. So incredibly moving and such an inspiration to us all. I know you would trade all of that to have him back. It's a dire time I have lived through something similar and while it was the worst time of my life I found strength I didn't know I had. You have been and continue to be amazing. Sometimes it's just getting through the next ten minutes and then the next. Much love to you.
    Sarah (BettyBooper from twitter)