No amount of obsessive weather watching made any difference, it hissed it down all day!
The week before I worked myself up into a crescendo of stress. I didn't even realise it until it was too late. Unfortunately the timing was awful, my busiest time of year, and I really wanted the event to go well. In a strange way I was more concerned about it than I was with the funeral! Kevin had told me what he wanted at the funeral, but I had nothing but my own wits to get me through this, and also I had to run a race, and mark an awful lot of exam papers. So I did what anyone in my situation would do - I baked 40 brownies and two birthday cakes, and invited three children over for a sleepover! Of course, that had to be the antidote!
It wasn't! (strange that) I also found myself in a strange emotional state. I really wanted to do Kevin proud, but I was also angry and having to live with this constant dilemma of his memory. Wanting to do right and not knowing if you can, and also being angry and having to do it all alone is a strange state to be in.
So I just got stressy, faffed alot and watched the dog misbehave (my barometer of how I am feeling). I know where all this bad feeling came from, Kevin was the one who was good at birthdays, and I knew that I had to step up to the mark and take another role that I didn't really want to! And just when I had so many other things to do too. I hated writing the card - love mummy (no daddy, that's it).
The run was hard, they have changed the course since I last did it, and it is very "undulating" especially in the second half! As I ran it I thought of Kevin, made piece with my bad feeling of the week. Parts of the route were runs we had done together and I felt he was there with me, I also ran in his Beating Bowel Cancer vest.
As ever I was ambitious in my timings having suggested to The White Lion that we would start the barbecue at 1.30, this did mean that there was no time for relaxing, it was staight home for a shower and then off again. Despite the awful weather we all had a good day, I cried a few times, I hope poeple forgave me and I really feel that we did Kevin proud. We raised over £8000 for Beating Bowel Cancer, thanks to all who suppported, ran, sponsored etc.
I managed to sell the T-shirts (to recoup my cost and add to the charity pot). I was worried I would forever be wearing T-shirts of Kevin! I thought I may be like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations. The team had been sort of viral, it grew and grew as we got nearer the day, so I had ordered them not entirely sure who wanted them, but thankfully people were happy to have them.
And even better, The Menace had a great birthday, he enjoyed the fun run with his friends and teachers, and then playing in the marquee at the White Lion with all the kids. He was so tired when we left, he didn't put up a fight at all, and I was so concerned I nearly left the dog! So thats another first done, next one is father's day!
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