Today is the 3rd March and Kevin died on 30th January, i suppose that is a month on. I have been doing well, almost too well, but tonight i feel awful! Yes, i am a strong person, yes i will take it one day at a time, but one day leads to another, which is exactly the same!
I am not afraid of being on my own, this is what i told Kevin and i did mean it, but it is honestly hard trying to do two roles, well maybe i should say more! A mother, a father, a full-time professional worker, a dog owner and a student.
I know many people juggle more than one role, i did anyway, but support helps. However, i need to clarify that, because i do have support. I have the help of friends, but nothing replaces that support of the one that you love. Friends go home, relatives are at the end of the phone, and even if they were all here, they would not be Kevin. If they were all here, they would be an irritation, to be honest, sometimes Kevin was! But i still loved him, even if he was an irritation!
Dennis gives me strength to "keep calm and carry on!" without him the temptation to do a "Reggie Perrin" may be greater. The problem with "life" is there is no respite! I went back to work early, mainly because i worried that if i stay away it will get more difficult to go back.
One month on, i feel this deep appreciation and sadness for all that Kevin did for me, even though perhaps i didn't realise it. He had been ill for a while, so it wasn't the concrete stuff, like the cleaning, cooking, helping with Dennis' homework, dog walking etc. Once back from China, last October he hadn't really done any of that, so i haven't taken on much that i didn't do for a while (although he was a very hands-on dad and house-husband before then), but it seems so much harder now, as there isn't any support or appreciation for the effort put in.
Once the little menace has gone to bed, it is hard to motivate myself, when there is no-one to perform this act of conscientiousness in front of. I always worked hard, but i knew he appreciated it and actively encouraged it. I know it was our vision to create an environment for when he was gone, but now he is, there isn't anyone to share the vision with and it all seems hard to "act out" the roles i have to play.
Going back to work and starting "normal life" felt like being hit by a bus. I am sure this is just a stage as the realisation of being a single mum sets in. The worse thing is that i haven't got Kevin to come home to and say "i've had an awful day!" I know friends want to take that role, but its not the same thing.
I feel responsible for so much and that isn't something you can share!
Its just a stage i have to go through .......