On World book day this year, the menace wanted to go as a "robot", not really stretching his vocabulary, so i turned him into an "automaton". This seems an apt way to describe myself at present.
I feel everything is a rush. I have never been good in the mornings, Kevin always got up, made the coffee and waited for me and Dennis to surface. Now i get up, perhaps a little later than i should, rush around, shout alot (well - chivvy) my little menace, who has no sense of urgency. I force the dog out into the garden, chirrup at him until he has done the necessaries. I have no time to waste with sniffing the garden and strolling around in small circles, my neighbours must laugh at the mad woman standing on the lawn and beckoning the dog to get things done, so i can get going myself.
I then deposit my son at the neighbours, and leave for work (they take him into school). After i have lectured i apply the same sense of urgency to preparing for the next day, printing things out for reprographics, meetings with students and staff, and then i leave with the same hurried approach with which i arrived. It is like being on a conveyor belt, i have to apply a strict schedule to everything until i am home and safe and can relax until the next day, when i go through it all again.
I have also been applying the same sense of urgency to walking the dog, i allow an hour slot, and i get impatient if he wanders off course a bit. All this rushing is exhausting and stressful. Thursday seems to be a particularly low point, by then the dog is a bit neurotic and so am i. I think it would be fair to say that by Thursday evening i am maudlin and depressed, i am also a bit short tempered!
Friday i work from home and start to relax again, ready to wind myself up again next week from Monday to Thursday! Its not exactly ideal, but i am not ready to give up yet. I have outsourced the cleaning and that has helped, although i still have to reserve time slots for all the other roles that i am juggling. I am sure over time i will work out a way of letting go of the some of the things that i needn't focus on, but i am still struggling to know which ones they are.
I have worked out that Thursdays are a low point, and best to avoid difficult conversations on that day. I have identified my areas for concern, and i have plans and contingency plans in place for them, but the constant calendar and clock watching is tiring me out and taking up alot of time in itself, time i just don't have. There is no time for spontaneity and relaxation, not unless they can fit into any of the small slots of time that are free (there are occasional 15 minutes which have not got anything diarised in). Anyway i must now go to bed, i have reserved the next few hours for sleep, i cannot waste them on anything else, because i will not get them back! Tomorrow i must get up and do it all over again, with the same level of impatience!