Friday, 27 January 2012

The Run Up

This title works for me on so many levels! I shall explain! I have been working on the ball, and also the running, and it is nearly the one year anniversary of Kevin's death. Organising the ball was such a stress at first, then it went so well that I was really excited and really positive about the start of 2012, being so much better than the start of 2011.

I also entered a 10 mile race, as a training run for the marathon. It went well, I decided not to do my usual ( try too hard, go too fast and not be able to complete it well), I didn't treat it as anything but a training run, and I completed it in 1 hour and 39 minutes, thus managing the 10 minute miles I had planned, and whats more, I felt good at the end. I ran using my iPod, this is something I never do, mainly because I am always combining taking the dog out and a run, and as the dog is so prone to distraction I make sure that I am concentrating on what he is up to, so that needs my full concentration. I really enjoyed running to some "tunes", however I forgot that I had put on "Monster Halloween Hits" for the Menace, so when the "Adam's family" snuck in there it made me giggle. And I should mention my Catherine Tate moment when I car tooted me to get out of the way and I screamed very loudly, much to the amusement of the other runners!

So the ball arrangements were going well, and the running was going well, but for some reason I just hit an emotional wall! I had a lot to look forward to, but had put off allowing myself to be emotional for so long. I exploded at work one day, I was in tears, fed up and I wanted some support. I work in an environment where you are mainly on your own, and suddenly I wanted to be part of a team, not always on my own. I have asked for some meetings, I need to get my enthusiasm back, and feel motivated to want to do things again. Right now I find it hard to maintain my momentum, and I feel tired and well.... depressed.

So work are finding ways of supporting me and I am also trying to find some time for "me"things. I don't mean a project, like the ball or the run, but just relaxing things - these are the things I never do. Why do I feel like this? As I said before, its coming up for the year's anniversary, it was this time last year that Kevin died and whilst we have made it through the year, it just feels like another long year ahead facing the same juggling and constant battle to keep everything afloat. It is like running a race, but not knowing how to pace yourself, its a constant struggle to keep up the momentum. I will find the energy again, I know I will, I won't give in to depression and lethargy, but I think I just need a few days feeling sorry for myself.

However it is not all bad, I am pleased with the ball and looking forwards to it, I am pleased with the run, and just when I was feeling really low (its my birthday at the end of next week and I can't muster up any enthusiasm for it) I got a bag in the post. I thought it was a raffle prize, but no, it was my birthday present from the lovely Gemma, Kevin's niece. Kevin always got me nice new handbags for either birthday or Christmas, she wanted to get me a nice bag, it made me cry, it was such a lovely thing to do.

I know that I feel low, because I miss his love and his thoughtfulness (and knowing that I have to keep going without it can be so hard), it was so nice to think somebody else was thinking of those special things like he did, and I can't think of a better person to do it. He and her were so close, and I know how much she misses him. It will be hard for her to be so far away on the anniversary of his death (she lives on the other side of the world) . I promise to post a picture Gem xx Thank you for reaching out, at just the right moment, with just the right gesture, Kevin would love that! The bag is lovely, but the thought that went into it, is so much more.


  1. The Invisible darkness in you Caroline. I have always admired that. Happy Birthday. And make it YOURS.

  2. That makes me sound like a Pink Floyd song!! I will overcome this, I will. Thanks Peter. So far my birthday plans consist of going to a charity event to support someone else, who really needs it, and taking my son and his friend to Pizza Express, but I will work on some "me" time!

  3. You're doing really well, Caroline. I've learned over the last five years that it is the weeks running up to the anniversaries that I have to face and deal with and I let the tears and memories flow - the day itself is then less dramatic. And yes, we have had to make new memories/traditions to layer on top of all those other good memories - we can have fun and laughter and gratitude for what we had, and yes weep for the loss, but keep moving forward. But take time for yourself - you're working and playing very hard. My very best wishes to you. x