New beginnings

I didn't really know what to call this post, but I feel I should really update my blog, as I am aware that I have been very quiet.  The truth is I have been busy, as ever, but this time I've been busy enjoying myself and being happy.

Tomorrow will be the six month anniversary for myself and my new boyfriend, who I shall call Mr X.  Its a long story, in fact, we have known each other for about 20 years.  We were at Polytechnic together (I want to be pretentious and put University, but he will snigger at me for that!)

It all started just before the marathon...

I was talking to a joint friend of ours, saying that I thought I ought to think about moving on, dating, joining a website or some such monstrous idea, and she piped up with, "You should go on a practice date with Mr X!"  I just looked at her, and said "Pardon?" "Yes, he likes you." She said.  I didn't really know what to make of this, so instead I went round to another friends house (again a joint friend) with the other said friend and together they helped me get set up on a dating website.  It all felt a bit weird and strange (I've never quite known what to make of internet dating).

So over the next few days I looked at my profile and the offers coming in, it was quite exciting, but in the back of my mind, I kept thinking, "I could go out with him...or Mr X"  In the end I had to admit to myself that I also liked Mr X, and the awkwardness I felt was that it was someone I had known for years, someone who knew me, came to my wedding party, I went to his etc (he is now divorced) and I wasn't quite sure how to get out of the "friend zone".

Some friends (the ones mentioned earlier) had been trying to organise a Come Dine with Me evening, and we had been paired up (me and Mr X), but this seemed to be fizzling out, and not sure how to "go on a practice date" I decided to text him and discuss our team tactics, these involved, well, going out for dinner!

I was at a conference when I texted him and he didn't reply until the middle of the night!  I didn't sleep well that night!  Anyway after a few texts about tactics, we were going out for dinner to discuss menus (A DATE!!!!)

And that will be six months tomorrow.  They have been a lovely six months.  I don't want to turn this into a Barbara Cartland novel, so I shall leave it at that.

But whilst I have been happy, it has taken the Menace some time to get used to it.  Thankfully they do get on, but he was very jealous at first, he was used to my undivided attention, and within all the enjoyment of dating, its been a period of adjustment for us all.  Mr X is used to peace and quiet, and control over his environment, not chaos and lots of children (there is often others around), and the Menace has had to learn to share his mum, not as easy as he thought.  And I have to say dating AND being a mum is different than dating in your twenties, although I have really enjoyed it, but I have had to learn to put myself first sometimes, not always the Menace.  (Its quite nice though)

Running myself ragged!!

Since the ball I have concentrated in running training and also on well .... work. The marathon happens to fall in my busiest semester and it is hard (but I am determined to do it) to fit in the work, the childcare, the running and the dog. I multitask and combine the dog and running!! I have been pushing myself to get everything done, and to some extent have also neglected myself!

I ran a 17 mile run the other weekend while a friend looked after the Menace, and other than one little run, I haven't run since. I have got pain in my back from having not stretched enough, so I have taken a week out to recover and I am indulging in sports massage. Slowly it is getting better, then it will be back to the training. I realised that on the 17 mile run my iPhone "tunes for running" runs out at about 14 miles, so I need to build up some more. Music helps to keep me going and to pace myself.

So I have a proposition for you. I suggest you sponsor me £3 a song, go into the link attached it is my fundraising page, pledge your money and suggest a song (thanks to Susan Lewis, who did this before and gave me the idea!). These are the songs I have in my running playlist so far:

Tubthumping by Chumbawumba (I have to say, I love this one, to run to)

Pumped up Kicks by Foster the People

Loca People by Sak Noel

Jerk it Out by Caesars

Don't Stop Me Now by Queen (the song we had for Kevin, at his funeral)

Changed the Way You Kissed Me by Example

A-Punk by Vampire Weekend

The Adventures of Rain Dance by Red Hot Chilli Peppers

All in White by the Vaccines

Blow It Up by the Vaccines

Buck Rogers by Feeder

Closing Time by Semisonic

Down with the Trumpets by The Rizzle Kicks (they are a secret pleasure)

Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall by Coldplay

Family Friend by the Vaccines

Fluorescent Adolescent by the Arctic Monkeys

Forget you by Ceelo Green

Give It All Back - by Noah and the Whale

Heart Skips a Beat - by Olli Murs and the Rizzle Kicks (Sorry, I know)

Hey there Delilah by The Plain White T's

If you wanna by the Vaccines

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N by Noah and the Whale

A Lack of Understanding by the Vaccines

Life is Life - Noah and the Whale

Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons

Long Distance by Nizlopi (always makes me laugh in long runs)

My Favourite Game by The Cardigans

The Only Exception by Paramore

Post Break-Up Sex by the Vaccines

The Riverboat Song by Ocean Colour Scene

Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes

Shake Me Down by Cage the Elephant

Thinking of Me by Olly Murs (slightly embarrassed)

Tonight's the Kind of Night by Noah and the Whale

Wetsuit by the Vaccines

Wreckin' Bar by the Vaccines

So the only thing I ask is, make it a good tune to run to. Opera is not that easy to run to, choose classical with care and one other thing (please) not heavy metal. So I leave the music to you. Please sponsor me and help me build up the running tunes to keep me going!!

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=CarolineBolam

£3 a tune, I will buy the music, just suggest a tune, all the money goes to the charity!

The ball

I have been meaning to update the blog for ages, wanted to let you all know how the ball went. It was brilliant. I arrived early set up the last minute things, panicked as I didn't have enough table decorations, then realised that I had left three in the box outside. I then calmed down and finished off all the arranging and stood there, like a rabbit caught in the headlights. People started to arrive quite quickly, took their drink, wondered through, and before long we were ushering them to sit down and eat. We got the eating out of the way so we could have more of the band. Raffle tickets were sold after the first course, and then the raffle was done before dessert was served. I had a little speech all prepared (well, in my head), but things moved so well I never need to use it. (phew!)

The band was brilliant, I had a great night, in fact, suffice to say I had a ball. And I raised £4503 for Beating Bowel Cancer. I would like to attach my thank you presentation, but I can't, it won't let me. So a massive thanks to all who donated raffle prizes, they have been mentioned before. And also a huge thanks to the staff at OA's rugby club who are so unflappable. And one last thanks, to Fuchsia Pink, the florist in Wheathamsptead, who did all the table decorations. If anyone would like to tell me how I can attach the powerpoint presentation, I would be really grateful. Instead I attach some pictures (badly, I am not good at this formatting thing) taken by the lovely Stephanie Belton, who came and took valentine shots, and also some others, helping to raise some of the money. They are both pictures I love, they are of my friends having fun.

The Run Up

This title works for me on so many levels! I shall explain! I have been working on the ball, and also the running, and it is nearly the one year anniversary of Kevin's death. Organising the ball was such a stress at first, then it went so well that I was really excited and really positive about the start of 2012, being so much better than the start of 2011.

I also entered a 10 mile race, as a training run for the marathon. It went well, I decided not to do my usual ( try too hard, go too fast and not be able to complete it well), I didn't treat it as anything but a training run, and I completed it in 1 hour and 39 minutes, thus managing the 10 minute miles I had planned, and whats more, I felt good at the end. I ran using my iPod, this is something I never do, mainly because I am always combining taking the dog out and a run, and as the dog is so prone to distraction I make sure that I am concentrating on what he is up to, so that needs my full concentration. I really enjoyed running to some "tunes", however I forgot that I had put on "Monster Halloween Hits" for the Menace, so when the "Adam's family" snuck in there it made me giggle. And I should mention my Catherine Tate moment when I car tooted me to get out of the way and I screamed very loudly, much to the amusement of the other runners!

So the ball arrangements were going well, and the running was going well, but for some reason I just hit an emotional wall! I had a lot to look forward to, but had put off allowing myself to be emotional for so long. I exploded at work one day, I was in tears, fed up and I wanted some support. I work in an environment where you are mainly on your own, and suddenly I wanted to be part of a team, not always on my own. I have asked for some meetings, I need to get my enthusiasm back, and feel motivated to want to do things again. Right now I find it hard to maintain my momentum, and I feel tired and well.... depressed.

So work are finding ways of supporting me and I am also trying to find some time for "me"things. I don't mean a project, like the ball or the run, but just relaxing things - these are the things I never do. Why do I feel like this? As I said before, its coming up for the year's anniversary, it was this time last year that Kevin died and whilst we have made it through the year, it just feels like another long year ahead facing the same juggling and constant battle to keep everything afloat. It is like running a race, but not knowing how to pace yourself, its a constant struggle to keep up the momentum. I will find the energy again, I know I will, I won't give in to depression and lethargy, but I think I just need a few days feeling sorry for myself.

However it is not all bad, I am pleased with the ball and looking forwards to it, I am pleased with the run, and just when I was feeling really low (its my birthday at the end of next week and I can't muster up any enthusiasm for it) I got a bag in the post. I thought it was a raffle prize, but no, it was my birthday present from the lovely Gemma, Kevin's niece. Kevin always got me nice new handbags for either birthday or Christmas, she wanted to get me a nice bag, it made me cry, it was such a lovely thing to do.

I know that I feel low, because I miss his love and his thoughtfulness (and knowing that I have to keep going without it can be so hard), it was so nice to think somebody else was thinking of those special things like he did, and I can't think of a better person to do it. He and her were so close, and I know how much she misses him. It will be hard for her to be so far away on the anniversary of his death (she lives on the other side of the world) . I promise to post a picture Gem xx Thank you for reaching out, at just the right moment, with just the right gesture, Kevin would love that! The bag is lovely, but the thought that went into it, is so much more.

Organising the ball

I have got to be honest, I did this because a friend suggested it, and it seemed a unique way to get some money, and also have some fun at the same time, but organising a ball is really hard work. I am not a natural at promotion or selling or PR, and so I was doing my best to get together prizes for a raffle and ask for donations, but it was/is HARD WORK!! Initially things went well, I sold nearly all the tickets, a huge relief, I did spend a few days wondering if I was going to lose money rather than make it!! I now have less than a handful left, of course, I still have to get the money for them. I kept the prices low to make money on the night - this was at the advice of the chairman of OA's rugby club who are hosting it for me. I have to say they have been a huge help, lots of advice and contacts.

I have had some wonderful offers for prizes from some of the lovely twitter folk!

A beautiful red fire engine from @Cuthberts_Toys, St Albans (www.cuthbertstoys.com)

A lovely Jo Malone candle from a lovely lady known to me as @gillyjamjar. She is giving up posh coffees and wanted to put the money to good use.

A chocolate making workshop from the Melting Pot, in Hitchin @makechoccies.

Some vouchers from @splashman, otherwise known as Paul.

A massage voucher from @lucindamassage (www.lucindacracknell.co.uk)

A £25 voucher for @allabouttheboys, designer clothing for children. (www.allabouttheboys.co.uk)

A voucher for £350 worth of family photography from @emilyquinton (www.emilyquinton.co.uk)

A home networking kit from @solwise to help with all your wifi issues.

A free letting service for one year from @RuthPH.(www.purplehatproperty.co.uk)

A cretan villa for one week from @annieqpr. (www.rentavillaincrete.com)

Some chocolates from @goneFairtrade (Cadbury's)

A little valentine cupcake for all the guests from @heavensacupcake (www.heavenisacupcake.co.uk)

An organic pork pie from @samphireshop (www.samphireshop.co.uk)

A case of wine from @CraigLeGrice (www.craiglegrice.com)

Some Sylvanian Families goodies from @mandyvictory

A singing/acting children's party from @DebotutsNWHerts (www.debutots.co.uk)

and a couple of other leads from @mattbigg (www.thecollectivedesign.co.uk)

not forgetting to say thank you to @mediocre_mum and also @pminthepub for helping me with their Klout!

Offline, I have also got a case of wine from www.cellardoorwines.co.uk

3 sets of day passes for two at Sopwell House

A Handbag from the Dressing Room

A meal for two with a bottle of wine in the Cock (St Albans)

A meal for two at the Rose and Crown (St Albans)

A meal for two in the White Lion (St Albans)

A party from www.HappyFrogParties.co.uk

£100 to do whatever I like with from Nick Banks a local investment bank consultant (will be used for either wine or chocolates )

A family ticket (for 10 people) from Saracens for a match at Wembley on 31st March Against Harlequins)

A jewellery making workshop from Rachel Jeffrey (www.racheljeffrey.co.uk)

A five course meal for 2 at Manoir aux Quat Saisons (Raymond Blanc's restaurant in Oxfordshire)

The promise of some flowers from Fuchsia Pink, in Wheathampstead.

A week at a mutually convenient time for the winner and the vendor of a caravan in South Wales (www.st-davids-caravan.co.uk)

A trip out in the solent or round some of the Isle of Wight for a day in a Yacht (four people can go! - adults)

Not forgetting the loan of a roulette table for a raffle type game (as I don't have a gambling licence), from GCasino's in Luton (www.grosvenorcasinos.com)

So, once again friends, and friends of friends have been wonderful, and also the virtual friends on twitter. Thank you to you all xx. I am now very excited, looking forwards to it, and thinking that 2012, is so much better than 2011 was!

Charity Fundraising Ball

Last year, when Kevin was in the Hospice of St Francis, I tweeted @bowelcancer (Beating Bowel Cancer), Kevin had raised money for them in September that year by walking part of the Great Wall of China, a minor miracle when you think how ill he was. He started to go down hill after he got back. He admitted he had been mainly running on adrenalin. But he wasn’t running, he was walking, and Kevin really missed running. I will never forget him trying to (and succeeding to) run after major lung surgery which failed to get rid of the secondary cancers anyway.

I asked them if they would reserve me a place for the London Marathon, it is 11 years since I last did it, but Kevin loved running it, and I wanted to do something positive in his memory, so now I am going about the business of raising money, as well as awareness of Bowel Cancer.

I have organized a Charity Ball, with a Sweethearts theme (ish, I’m not really a theme kinda girl) for Valentines. It will be held on Friday 10^th February at Old Albanians Rugby Club on the Harpenden Road. It will be from 7 onwards, (dinner will be at 8.30pm) and tickets will be £50 each. I have 120 seats on tables of 10. The dress code will be black tie and posh frocks and there will be a three course meal and the band Soulfish. If you are not aware of them, check them out here http://www.lemonrock.com/soulfish.

It will be a great way to celebrate your valentine, so please get some tickets and come and support a good cause.

In fact, there are number of ways you can help me, direct message or e mail me if you want a ticket or a couple of tickets or a whole table of tickets. Also if you want to donate a prize for a raffle, however big or small do the same, your name will be added to the list of contributors/ sponsors, and it is good advertising. Alternatively if you are a company you can sponsor the event and your name will also be included in the list.

Christmas without Kevin

I spent Christmas day in Derbyshire, in a hired house, with Kevin’s family. It was a lovely day, but all the more poignant for me that I was with all his family without him. It felt very odd. I am glad I did it though, it was a chance for us all to acknowledge the strangeness of the situation together. Perhaps all the stranger for some of them, because Kevin may not have been with them on that day anyway, and it was all the more noticeable to me, because what bound me to them was him. The Menace had a great time with his cousins, he played brilliantly with the little ones (a 2 year old and 2 and a half year old).

Kevin was an absolute baby about Christmas, as his brother said “he was a pain”, he never really got over the childish excitement and used to wake me and the Menace up telling us “Santa has been!!” so the Menace would race out of bed in an excited frenzy. He insisted on the morning being a frenzy of present opening, it all HAD to be done in one go and then after that there would be a trip to the pub, then an afternoon of eating and telly. This is not my ideal of Christmas, but itwas my husbands’. This was the first year that the Menace had to wait to open some of his presents until midday.

We did do a trip to the pub, and I raised my glass to him, then during our meal in the afternoon the Menace asked to do the same, bringing tears to all our eyes. I found myself very busy at that moment sharing out the Christmas pudding! (He doesn’t like it when I cry). I really missed him but also realized that I now have to make Christmas my own. I will keep up some of the traditions he bought to it, I like going to the pub for a drink at lunch, usually to catch up with friends, although not in Derbyshire. I am trying to keep up our Christmas fish collection (we have some very expensive decorations which we have built up over the years), even though the shop has closed down. Thanks to Jo Morton of Morton and Sedgewick, a friend of ours, who bought some to sell, I can carry on the collection. But I am keen to reduce the present frenzy in the morning, mainly because I feel the Menace feels that what matters is to accumulate lots of presents, not to appreciate them as he gets them.

Certainly for me, the meal is a focus of family attention, this was less important for Kevin, but then he never had to spend all of January on a diet to get over the “eating season”. I now realize that I must build my own traditions and make it a family day for us that still matters but is our own. Someone did say to me this was a day that would stand out as different, and it did, they were right. I have made up my mind though, to move forward, and do to so bravely. Change isn’t a bad thing, it is necessary, tradition is good, but only when justified. We have to acknowledge that we are different to how we were, but that is okay too. Getting through the Christmas season has been hard, but also has given me a sense of freedom, it is okay to just be us (me and the Menace)!!

I don’t know if I am explaining myself very well here, about a week before Christmas, the dog was ill and wouldn’t sleep, I came downstairs and we both curled up on the sofa. I had a really weird dream, where Kevin came to see me as a ghost, all excited about Christmas,, in my mind I was worrying how the Menace would take this, I have spent all this time making sure that he understood the finality of death, and here was Kevin, I could almost feel him, it felt very uncomfortable, and I woke up a bit unnerved. In my dream I was worried how Kevin’s ghost, coming to join in Christmas, because he so loved it, would work. I have taken this dream to be my anxiety about how to do Christmas without Kevin, he didn’t call me the Grinch for nothing, but I have now realized that it is okay to be different, to move the journey forward, and not live in fear of a memory. I can now look back happily but also look forward happily too. I suppose this is what Kubler-Ross calls acceptance.

First of all, I need to do that January diet, and get back into running, as the London Marathon is not far off and I am doing it in his memory, for Beating Bowel Cancer, so onward we go, perhaps a bit quicker than I have been going!