The two weeks leading up to Easter were hard, i was starting to feel very run down and in need of a rest! This was compounded by the Menace breaking up a week before me - and what a manic week that was. I ended up not only doing my usual lectures, but in Wimbledon for a meeting on the Friday and also lecturing on the Saturday. I was also going out on the Saturday night and flying out to Ireland on the Sunday.
For a couple of weeks, i had had a burning mouth, indigestion and general malaise, this wasn't going to be an easy week, but i made it!!
This was the first break that the Menace amd myself had been on without Kevin. Oddly it was not an issue - we went away with my family (my sister-in-law is Irish). My packing was a bit erratic, i managed to pack all the wrong things - i forgot my pyjamas, and took next years diary!!?
Luckily I was able to resolve all on arrival. The Menace was an excellent companion to travel with, he is an age where he can wheel his own bag and can be very sensible. We got there easily, was met at the airport by my brother, and headed off to sunny Donegal! (and it was sunny). We had an interesting journey, we ran out of deisel, my brother had to run to get some! He set off with a cheery "not a problem!"
We arrived in one piece, the Menace ran off to join his cousins, i sat down with a cup of tea and started to wind down. That first night i felt awful, like some sort of space cadet - a head like cotton wool! But a good night's sleep, a week with no access to the internet, so couldn't check my e mails, and a holiday reminiscent of my childhood - boating, beaching and suchlike, lead to a feeling of calm that i haven't felt for months! (I had debated taking some marking, but in the end decided to leave work well and truly behind).
I can honestly say i really enjoyed myself, this was partly because this was not really a holiday that Kevin would have enjoyed, so i didn't feel that ache of how he would miss it. Kevin couldn't swim, would have hated being waist high in the cold water of the Atlantic in April!! It just reminded me of the years of holidays in Anglesey, when my brother and i did these things before (as children). It was a good choice of holiday for a "first".
We went out to a far off beach by boat, had a barbecue, we went dune running, we caught the first lobster of the season (which i killed by putting it in fresh water) and we ate the first lobster of the season. The Menace loved being with his three cousins and had a great time.
We had a walk to the beach on our own one day, and Dennis asked if we could "do this again, next time for two weeks" - i just loved to hear him having fun and doing kid's things.
We came home for Easter Sunday, i tackled it with a new sense of calm, and have had a good weekend too! Although there are plenty more "firsts" i am feeling stronger right now, that has got to be a good thing, i don't want to let the little one down, he needs to see me strong! So Happy Easter to you all!! I feel like sharing the cheer!
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Monday, 4 April 2011
Mixed Emotions
I feel that this week i have been visited by the three ghosts; The Ghost of Lost Opportunities Past, Present and Future.
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Past
A few weeks ago i met up with some old friends. We go way back and meet up once in a blue moon. One of them was complaining (as we all do) about her hoard of children and what a pain it all was. At the time it didn't bother me and i was happy to join in and empathise with the rant. But later, on my own, i felt a stab of peevishness. One of the issues i have to deal with from the menace is his wish for a sibling, he regularly asks me if i could "have a baby in my tummy", and i have explained that i am a bit old for that. What i haven't told him about was how hard we tried for a sibling, how i went through four unsuccessful rounds of artificial insemination with Kevin's frozen sperm, nor can i tell him the bitter disppointment each time it didn't work. I don't begrudge anyone moaning and normally is doesn't bother me, in fact it didn't bother me this time. It just sparked in me that feeling of complete lost chances, because in Kevin's death, that last hope went, even though it was never going to happen anyway....and we had accepted that and stopped trying ages ago. Its just the Menace in his innocence, doesn't know the anguish we went through. I am in general happy with my one, i know there are others who don't have that, and i don't wish to seem ungrateful, it was just a part of the mourning process. Dennis, in turn likes the idea of the security of siblings, he has expressed to me concern that if i died he would be all alone. My first reaction to that was to brush it under the carpet, but it has been a very real fear for me, so i felt the best thing was to tell him what would happen if i did die. He would go and stay with my close friends, who would be his guardian, until his cousin gets back from Japan, then he would live with them. He looked relieved that i had thought about it, so i know it was the right thing to do - tell him. I did assure him that i am not planning to go anywhere!
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Present
This week i went to a party. It was the 40th birthday of one of the parents, and good friends from school. I found this very hard, these were friends that we made and built up friendships with together, so to go on my own was very hard, and not entirely successful. I arrived too early, i couldn't find the e mail about what time to get there, i was also getting quite tearful on the way, perhaps walking there on my own was a bit stupid! I was the second person (well third), the only other people being their old college mates, i felt awkward, made an excuse, left for a bit. I punished myself by walking passed Kevin's old workshop and went to the pub we met in. I knew there would be people i knew who could distract me, but the first thing someone said was "Are you okay?" in a concerned voice, so i ended up in tears. Thankfully i was surrounded by good friends and good landladies who plied me with drinks and cheered me up. (The pub is the White Lion, on Sopwell Lane, should you ever wish to visit, it is very hospitable!) I managed to recover myself and go back to the party. But the evening was one of those "firsts". A time, out with Kevin when i really wouldn't have gone without him under any other circumstances. The Menace was staying at a friends, so i went home to a very quiet house (the dog was pleased to see me), to then face Mother's Day in the morning. Mother's Day was also hard, as that is the sort of day Kevin was very good at(and normally for me such things bear little significance - i am not called the Grinch for nothing). But once again, good friends and my little boy got me through. My friends spoilt me, gave me a lovely necklace from the Menace, who wanted to get me a "beautiful dress" because apparently i am quite cool (that won't last, but made me melt, that he would say it, anyway..... and not to me, to my friend, even better, makes it more heartfelt).
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Future
I have had Kevin's wedding ring made to fit me, i have also put in it three small stones, one to represent each of us, him, me and the Menace. The three stones are our favourite colours - green (Kevin), orange (Dennis), red (me) - Yes i know, it is a traffic light!! I was idly twirling it the other day and i took it off, just to check that the inside was okay (we had our initials and the date of our wedding engraved in it). It hit me then, that we would never have another wedding anniversary.
This was never a day of huge celebration, usually we would go for a meal, get each other a card, bicker etc, nothing special, but special to us nonetheless. It was a real blow, because acknowledging it will be hard (our anniversary is not until September!!) you can't pretend it isn't there, nor ask someone else to acknowledge it with you, in a way it strikes me as the hardest, as that is a day personal to us two. The Menace and i have also been discussing the summer holidays, and facing it together without him seems tough right now. We have sorted Easter distractions, but not summer ones. We have some good ideas and some fabulous friends who are helping us to not face it alone, but the anxiety has still been there.
In my determination and resilience (i can be a bit gungho), i have, this week acknowledged that just forcing myself to do everything is not necessarily the best response, holidaying with friends may be an easier option this year! I had tried to tell myself that we would do it "just the two of us", but i think, perhaps scarring us both for life, at this stage is not the way forward! Friends have taken it out of my hands and are making such decisions for me, and i am (i have to say) eternally grateful!
All in all, there has been a lot of acknowledgements on my part this last week (my Polyanna approach is wearing a bit thin), and it has been a tough one. I have decided to try and be a bit easier on myself for the next few weeks. All work and no play .... and no, i am not stopping work, but perhaps, not working late at the computer every night (and if i don't not beating myself up about it..).
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Past
A few weeks ago i met up with some old friends. We go way back and meet up once in a blue moon. One of them was complaining (as we all do) about her hoard of children and what a pain it all was. At the time it didn't bother me and i was happy to join in and empathise with the rant. But later, on my own, i felt a stab of peevishness. One of the issues i have to deal with from the menace is his wish for a sibling, he regularly asks me if i could "have a baby in my tummy", and i have explained that i am a bit old for that. What i haven't told him about was how hard we tried for a sibling, how i went through four unsuccessful rounds of artificial insemination with Kevin's frozen sperm, nor can i tell him the bitter disppointment each time it didn't work. I don't begrudge anyone moaning and normally is doesn't bother me, in fact it didn't bother me this time. It just sparked in me that feeling of complete lost chances, because in Kevin's death, that last hope went, even though it was never going to happen anyway....and we had accepted that and stopped trying ages ago. Its just the Menace in his innocence, doesn't know the anguish we went through. I am in general happy with my one, i know there are others who don't have that, and i don't wish to seem ungrateful, it was just a part of the mourning process. Dennis, in turn likes the idea of the security of siblings, he has expressed to me concern that if i died he would be all alone. My first reaction to that was to brush it under the carpet, but it has been a very real fear for me, so i felt the best thing was to tell him what would happen if i did die. He would go and stay with my close friends, who would be his guardian, until his cousin gets back from Japan, then he would live with them. He looked relieved that i had thought about it, so i know it was the right thing to do - tell him. I did assure him that i am not planning to go anywhere!
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Present
This week i went to a party. It was the 40th birthday of one of the parents, and good friends from school. I found this very hard, these were friends that we made and built up friendships with together, so to go on my own was very hard, and not entirely successful. I arrived too early, i couldn't find the e mail about what time to get there, i was also getting quite tearful on the way, perhaps walking there on my own was a bit stupid! I was the second person (well third), the only other people being their old college mates, i felt awkward, made an excuse, left for a bit. I punished myself by walking passed Kevin's old workshop and went to the pub we met in. I knew there would be people i knew who could distract me, but the first thing someone said was "Are you okay?" in a concerned voice, so i ended up in tears. Thankfully i was surrounded by good friends and good landladies who plied me with drinks and cheered me up. (The pub is the White Lion, on Sopwell Lane, should you ever wish to visit, it is very hospitable!) I managed to recover myself and go back to the party. But the evening was one of those "firsts". A time, out with Kevin when i really wouldn't have gone without him under any other circumstances. The Menace was staying at a friends, so i went home to a very quiet house (the dog was pleased to see me), to then face Mother's Day in the morning. Mother's Day was also hard, as that is the sort of day Kevin was very good at(and normally for me such things bear little significance - i am not called the Grinch for nothing). But once again, good friends and my little boy got me through. My friends spoilt me, gave me a lovely necklace from the Menace, who wanted to get me a "beautiful dress" because apparently i am quite cool (that won't last, but made me melt, that he would say it, anyway..... and not to me, to my friend, even better, makes it more heartfelt).
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Future
I have had Kevin's wedding ring made to fit me, i have also put in it three small stones, one to represent each of us, him, me and the Menace. The three stones are our favourite colours - green (Kevin), orange (Dennis), red (me) - Yes i know, it is a traffic light!! I was idly twirling it the other day and i took it off, just to check that the inside was okay (we had our initials and the date of our wedding engraved in it). It hit me then, that we would never have another wedding anniversary.
This was never a day of huge celebration, usually we would go for a meal, get each other a card, bicker etc, nothing special, but special to us nonetheless. It was a real blow, because acknowledging it will be hard (our anniversary is not until September!!) you can't pretend it isn't there, nor ask someone else to acknowledge it with you, in a way it strikes me as the hardest, as that is a day personal to us two. The Menace and i have also been discussing the summer holidays, and facing it together without him seems tough right now. We have sorted Easter distractions, but not summer ones. We have some good ideas and some fabulous friends who are helping us to not face it alone, but the anxiety has still been there.
In my determination and resilience (i can be a bit gungho), i have, this week acknowledged that just forcing myself to do everything is not necessarily the best response, holidaying with friends may be an easier option this year! I had tried to tell myself that we would do it "just the two of us", but i think, perhaps scarring us both for life, at this stage is not the way forward! Friends have taken it out of my hands and are making such decisions for me, and i am (i have to say) eternally grateful!
All in all, there has been a lot of acknowledgements on my part this last week (my Polyanna approach is wearing a bit thin), and it has been a tough one. I have decided to try and be a bit easier on myself for the next few weeks. All work and no play .... and no, i am not stopping work, but perhaps, not working late at the computer every night (and if i don't not beating myself up about it..).
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Getting rid of Bertie
We had two cars, an old battered (my fault) ford galaxy, better known as Bertie (the big red bus), and a little burgundy A class merc called Ruby. Personalising the cars happened when we got Ruby, she was my mum's car, she is also ill and can no longer drive, so my father gave her to us. At the time Kevin needed the big car for his work and i also needed a car for work. Ruby was a real help in our lives. Ruby was always my car, but after my unfortunate incident in the multi storey car park, i was relegated to driving Bertie.
One day after Kevin's death we were coming back from somewhere, in Ruby, when Dennis made some comment, i can't even remember what it was, but he was talking about Bertie. I casually mentioned that we would be selling Bertie, as we didn't need two cars any more. Up until that point, he had been a very brave boy and was going really well (too well, in fact). I was not prepared for the reaction i got. He was really angry at the decision to sell the big car. I explained that we didn't need and couldn't afford two cars. "but daddy paid for that car, its ours!" He went running down the road in his socks, he was screaming "you can't sell Bertie!"
I went after him, picked him up, he was clinging to the car and crying. Stupidly, i said "well technically, we didn't pay for it, daddy's brother lent us the money." The menace was insistent "Is he making you sell Bertie? You choosed the wrong car!" (I was trying to avoid being seen as the bad one, i was failing to point out i had made the decision myself) When i phoned up the insurance company, they wanted to charge me three times the ammount Kevin paid to take on the insurance, it really wasn't worth it. To be honest, since i crashed it, great though it was to drive, it wasn't very aesthetically pleasing and i wasn't expecting to get much for it. Poor uncle Paul had to take the brunt of Dennis' anger, i felt truly awful.
Dennis sobbed on the phone to his uncle "Now that's two things that have gone, Daddy and Bertie!" His uncle's reaction was to try and distract him, he talked about all sorts of things, lego, days out, letters he would write him, anything to stop him thinking about the car. After about 30 minutes the conversation ended and the menace went up for bathtime and bed. It had taken about an hour and a half to calm him down. At one point, he was standing in the sitting room screaming, he seemed to be seeing how loud he could scream, a release of all his tension and emotion, he seemed to be enjoying it. (I understood that feeling, i have done it myself).
My first thought was to not talk about Bertie, just sell him and be done with it. But my policy has been to be honest with him and i didn't want to break his trust, so instead i took the stance of talking him through why and how we would sell him. Over the nest few days Dennis came up with all sorts of reasons for why we needed to keep Bertie. "How will we take Tom and his family to the cinema? How will you drive my friends to my party? What if we need to pick up something big from Granny and Grumpy's?" All these questions i tried to answer as best i could.
I explained to Dennis that cars do not last forever ( i regretted that i had personalised them with names). I told him how they deppreciate in value, i explained tax and insurance, petrol costs and maintenance. I had to explain these quite a few times, they are not easy concepts for a six year old! In the end he accepted that Bertie was going and changed his tack, "Can we sell him to someone we know." I explained that not everyone wants a 7 seater car, and that it was unlikely we would see Bertie again, but we could always remember him.
At the same time all this was going on, they changed the law on owning an uninsured car, i was getting very nervous as i still hadn't sold the car, and i did not want to pay the £1500 odd they wanted to charge me. I phoned the insurance company and asked for an extension to the one month's grace, they would not. I thanked the woman for being most unhelpful and put the phone down. This was not going well. My friend (@i_amnotdan) phoned the police and asked about the law, and kindly sent me an e mail entitled "Car insurance - the facts"
This did calm me down, but i still wanted to get rid of the car, it was starting to feel like a millstone around my neck and i didn't really want to go through all the reasons why we were selling it, all over again.
In the end the menace got his way. Some friends bought it off us, Dennis was happy, he can still see Bertie and i am happy i no longer have an illegal, uninsured car sitting on my lawn. And huge thanks to Uncle Paul for helping me with the difficult conversations, and @i_amnotdan for helping me with the selling.
I promised Dennis that was the only thing that would go, nothing else would change. I really hope i can keep that promise! I am also going to make a conscious effort not to personalise the cars again!
One day after Kevin's death we were coming back from somewhere, in Ruby, when Dennis made some comment, i can't even remember what it was, but he was talking about Bertie. I casually mentioned that we would be selling Bertie, as we didn't need two cars any more. Up until that point, he had been a very brave boy and was going really well (too well, in fact). I was not prepared for the reaction i got. He was really angry at the decision to sell the big car. I explained that we didn't need and couldn't afford two cars. "but daddy paid for that car, its ours!" He went running down the road in his socks, he was screaming "you can't sell Bertie!"
I went after him, picked him up, he was clinging to the car and crying. Stupidly, i said "well technically, we didn't pay for it, daddy's brother lent us the money." The menace was insistent "Is he making you sell Bertie? You choosed the wrong car!" (I was trying to avoid being seen as the bad one, i was failing to point out i had made the decision myself) When i phoned up the insurance company, they wanted to charge me three times the ammount Kevin paid to take on the insurance, it really wasn't worth it. To be honest, since i crashed it, great though it was to drive, it wasn't very aesthetically pleasing and i wasn't expecting to get much for it. Poor uncle Paul had to take the brunt of Dennis' anger, i felt truly awful.
Dennis sobbed on the phone to his uncle "Now that's two things that have gone, Daddy and Bertie!" His uncle's reaction was to try and distract him, he talked about all sorts of things, lego, days out, letters he would write him, anything to stop him thinking about the car. After about 30 minutes the conversation ended and the menace went up for bathtime and bed. It had taken about an hour and a half to calm him down. At one point, he was standing in the sitting room screaming, he seemed to be seeing how loud he could scream, a release of all his tension and emotion, he seemed to be enjoying it. (I understood that feeling, i have done it myself).
My first thought was to not talk about Bertie, just sell him and be done with it. But my policy has been to be honest with him and i didn't want to break his trust, so instead i took the stance of talking him through why and how we would sell him. Over the nest few days Dennis came up with all sorts of reasons for why we needed to keep Bertie. "How will we take Tom and his family to the cinema? How will you drive my friends to my party? What if we need to pick up something big from Granny and Grumpy's?" All these questions i tried to answer as best i could.
I explained to Dennis that cars do not last forever ( i regretted that i had personalised them with names). I told him how they deppreciate in value, i explained tax and insurance, petrol costs and maintenance. I had to explain these quite a few times, they are not easy concepts for a six year old! In the end he accepted that Bertie was going and changed his tack, "Can we sell him to someone we know." I explained that not everyone wants a 7 seater car, and that it was unlikely we would see Bertie again, but we could always remember him.
At the same time all this was going on, they changed the law on owning an uninsured car, i was getting very nervous as i still hadn't sold the car, and i did not want to pay the £1500 odd they wanted to charge me. I phoned the insurance company and asked for an extension to the one month's grace, they would not. I thanked the woman for being most unhelpful and put the phone down. This was not going well. My friend (@i_amnotdan) phoned the police and asked about the law, and kindly sent me an e mail entitled "Car insurance - the facts"
This did calm me down, but i still wanted to get rid of the car, it was starting to feel like a millstone around my neck and i didn't really want to go through all the reasons why we were selling it, all over again.
In the end the menace got his way. Some friends bought it off us, Dennis was happy, he can still see Bertie and i am happy i no longer have an illegal, uninsured car sitting on my lawn. And huge thanks to Uncle Paul for helping me with the difficult conversations, and @i_amnotdan for helping me with the selling.
I promised Dennis that was the only thing that would go, nothing else would change. I really hope i can keep that promise! I am also going to make a conscious effort not to personalise the cars again!
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Automaton
On World book day this year, the menace wanted to go as a "robot", not really stretching his vocabulary, so i turned him into an "automaton". This seems an apt way to describe myself at present.
I feel everything is a rush. I have never been good in the mornings, Kevin always got up, made the coffee and waited for me and Dennis to surface. Now i get up, perhaps a little later than i should, rush around, shout alot (well - chivvy) my little menace, who has no sense of urgency. I force the dog out into the garden, chirrup at him until he has done the necessaries. I have no time to waste with sniffing the garden and strolling around in small circles, my neighbours must laugh at the mad woman standing on the lawn and beckoning the dog to get things done, so i can get going myself.
I then deposit my son at the neighbours, and leave for work (they take him into school). After i have lectured i apply the same sense of urgency to preparing for the next day, printing things out for reprographics, meetings with students and staff, and then i leave with the same hurried approach with which i arrived. It is like being on a conveyor belt, i have to apply a strict schedule to everything until i am home and safe and can relax until the next day, when i go through it all again.
I have also been applying the same sense of urgency to walking the dog, i allow an hour slot, and i get impatient if he wanders off course a bit. All this rushing is exhausting and stressful. Thursday seems to be a particularly low point, by then the dog is a bit neurotic and so am i. I think it would be fair to say that by Thursday evening i am maudlin and depressed, i am also a bit short tempered!
Friday i work from home and start to relax again, ready to wind myself up again next week from Monday to Thursday! Its not exactly ideal, but i am not ready to give up yet. I have outsourced the cleaning and that has helped, although i still have to reserve time slots for all the other roles that i am juggling. I am sure over time i will work out a way of letting go of the some of the things that i needn't focus on, but i am still struggling to know which ones they are.
I have worked out that Thursdays are a low point, and best to avoid difficult conversations on that day. I have identified my areas for concern, and i have plans and contingency plans in place for them, but the constant calendar and clock watching is tiring me out and taking up alot of time in itself, time i just don't have. There is no time for spontaneity and relaxation, not unless they can fit into any of the small slots of time that are free (there are occasional 15 minutes which have not got anything diarised in). Anyway i must now go to bed, i have reserved the next few hours for sleep, i cannot waste them on anything else, because i will not get them back! Tomorrow i must get up and do it all over again, with the same level of impatience!
I feel everything is a rush. I have never been good in the mornings, Kevin always got up, made the coffee and waited for me and Dennis to surface. Now i get up, perhaps a little later than i should, rush around, shout alot (well - chivvy) my little menace, who has no sense of urgency. I force the dog out into the garden, chirrup at him until he has done the necessaries. I have no time to waste with sniffing the garden and strolling around in small circles, my neighbours must laugh at the mad woman standing on the lawn and beckoning the dog to get things done, so i can get going myself.
I then deposit my son at the neighbours, and leave for work (they take him into school). After i have lectured i apply the same sense of urgency to preparing for the next day, printing things out for reprographics, meetings with students and staff, and then i leave with the same hurried approach with which i arrived. It is like being on a conveyor belt, i have to apply a strict schedule to everything until i am home and safe and can relax until the next day, when i go through it all again.
I have also been applying the same sense of urgency to walking the dog, i allow an hour slot, and i get impatient if he wanders off course a bit. All this rushing is exhausting and stressful. Thursday seems to be a particularly low point, by then the dog is a bit neurotic and so am i. I think it would be fair to say that by Thursday evening i am maudlin and depressed, i am also a bit short tempered!
Friday i work from home and start to relax again, ready to wind myself up again next week from Monday to Thursday! Its not exactly ideal, but i am not ready to give up yet. I have outsourced the cleaning and that has helped, although i still have to reserve time slots for all the other roles that i am juggling. I am sure over time i will work out a way of letting go of the some of the things that i needn't focus on, but i am still struggling to know which ones they are.
I have worked out that Thursdays are a low point, and best to avoid difficult conversations on that day. I have identified my areas for concern, and i have plans and contingency plans in place for them, but the constant calendar and clock watching is tiring me out and taking up alot of time in itself, time i just don't have. There is no time for spontaneity and relaxation, not unless they can fit into any of the small slots of time that are free (there are occasional 15 minutes which have not got anything diarised in). Anyway i must now go to bed, i have reserved the next few hours for sleep, i cannot waste them on anything else, because i will not get them back! Tomorrow i must get up and do it all over again, with the same level of impatience!
Thursday, 3 March 2011
A month on...
Today is the 3rd March and Kevin died on 30th January, i suppose that is a month on. I have been doing well, almost too well, but tonight i feel awful! Yes, i am a strong person, yes i will take it one day at a time, but one day leads to another, which is exactly the same!
I am not afraid of being on my own, this is what i told Kevin and i did mean it, but it is honestly hard trying to do two roles, well maybe i should say more! A mother, a father, a full-time professional worker, a dog owner and a student.
I know many people juggle more than one role, i did anyway, but support helps. However, i need to clarify that, because i do have support. I have the help of friends, but nothing replaces that support of the one that you love. Friends go home, relatives are at the end of the phone, and even if they were all here, they would not be Kevin. If they were all here, they would be an irritation, to be honest, sometimes Kevin was! But i still loved him, even if he was an irritation!
Dennis gives me strength to "keep calm and carry on!" without him the temptation to do a "Reggie Perrin" may be greater. The problem with "life" is there is no respite! I went back to work early, mainly because i worried that if i stay away it will get more difficult to go back.
One month on, i feel this deep appreciation and sadness for all that Kevin did for me, even though perhaps i didn't realise it. He had been ill for a while, so it wasn't the concrete stuff, like the cleaning, cooking, helping with Dennis' homework, dog walking etc. Once back from China, last October he hadn't really done any of that, so i haven't taken on much that i didn't do for a while (although he was a very hands-on dad and house-husband before then), but it seems so much harder now, as there isn't any support or appreciation for the effort put in.
Once the little menace has gone to bed, it is hard to motivate myself, when there is no-one to perform this act of conscientiousness in front of. I always worked hard, but i knew he appreciated it and actively encouraged it. I know it was our vision to create an environment for when he was gone, but now he is, there isn't anyone to share the vision with and it all seems hard to "act out" the roles i have to play.
Going back to work and starting "normal life" felt like being hit by a bus. I am sure this is just a stage as the realisation of being a single mum sets in. The worse thing is that i haven't got Kevin to come home to and say "i've had an awful day!" I know friends want to take that role, but its not the same thing.
I feel responsible for so much and that isn't something you can share!
Its just a stage i have to go through .......
I am not afraid of being on my own, this is what i told Kevin and i did mean it, but it is honestly hard trying to do two roles, well maybe i should say more! A mother, a father, a full-time professional worker, a dog owner and a student.
I know many people juggle more than one role, i did anyway, but support helps. However, i need to clarify that, because i do have support. I have the help of friends, but nothing replaces that support of the one that you love. Friends go home, relatives are at the end of the phone, and even if they were all here, they would not be Kevin. If they were all here, they would be an irritation, to be honest, sometimes Kevin was! But i still loved him, even if he was an irritation!
Dennis gives me strength to "keep calm and carry on!" without him the temptation to do a "Reggie Perrin" may be greater. The problem with "life" is there is no respite! I went back to work early, mainly because i worried that if i stay away it will get more difficult to go back.
One month on, i feel this deep appreciation and sadness for all that Kevin did for me, even though perhaps i didn't realise it. He had been ill for a while, so it wasn't the concrete stuff, like the cleaning, cooking, helping with Dennis' homework, dog walking etc. Once back from China, last October he hadn't really done any of that, so i haven't taken on much that i didn't do for a while (although he was a very hands-on dad and house-husband before then), but it seems so much harder now, as there isn't any support or appreciation for the effort put in.
Once the little menace has gone to bed, it is hard to motivate myself, when there is no-one to perform this act of conscientiousness in front of. I always worked hard, but i knew he appreciated it and actively encouraged it. I know it was our vision to create an environment for when he was gone, but now he is, there isn't anyone to share the vision with and it all seems hard to "act out" the roles i have to play.
Going back to work and starting "normal life" felt like being hit by a bus. I am sure this is just a stage as the realisation of being a single mum sets in. The worse thing is that i haven't got Kevin to come home to and say "i've had an awful day!" I know friends want to take that role, but its not the same thing.
I feel responsible for so much and that isn't something you can share!
Its just a stage i have to go through .......
Monday, 21 February 2011
We are sorry for your loss
I find this phrase quite curious. I haven't lost Kevin, in fact i know exactly where he is. I regularly lose things, my keys, my phone, the remote control, but not Kevin! Adults tend to find "nice" ways to talk about death. In my efforts to make sure that i help our little menace through this ordeal i have been very direct in the words that i use. From Christmas onwards i told him that his Daddy was not going to get better. It was only the day before Kevin died that i even talked about death, and i used the word "die". I didn't want there to be any confusion about it. Interestingly, these adult phrases that we use have caused some confusion. My neighbour told me that when she told her son that Kevin had "passed away" he thought he had feinted, we also had a card from a child saying "sorry your dad passed out!"
Another thing i took great effort to talk Dennis through, was what the funeral was about and what would happen. Here, I made two mistakes. I told him in the run up to it, that there would be alot of people round as we would have to "bury daddy." In fact we cremated him, but he had used these words with me in a conversation the week before. When i talked about this, he said "Why do i have to do it?" and when i reflected on this i think he thought i meant that he and i would have to physically dig the grave and put him in it. Children take things very literally. I then explained to him the whole process, i would go to a funeral director, tell them what was to be done, and they would do everything for us, we just had to turn up to a service, like when we go to church with Grandma.
I also did a very bad job of explaining cremation. This was mainly because i had an audience, as we were in the car, so i tried to make it sound nice and that "daddy would come back in a smaller pot than the box he went in", later that evening he asked me "Why do they have to shrink daddy? i don't want them to". So again, i found explaining the whole thing lead to peace of mind for him.
Another thing that struck me was his unquestioning/ questioning sense of what happens when you die. To Dennis, there were no question about the spirit, this was a statement, "he has gone to heaven", his preoccupation was much more to do with the body. The week before the funeral he asked if he could see him. I have to say, i didn't really have any wish to see the body (i had said my goodbyes in the hospice), but again, this is not one you can delegate, so i took him. I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up so he could see, he was very definite in his response, "no, can we go now." The questions came later ... "So is that all of daddy? Have they left him all in there?" "Why was he holding a flower?"
All the children i have spoken to, take a very pragmatic view on death. I haven't spoken to many, but some of his class have asked me. They are matter of fact about it, it is sad, its not nice, but what time does it happen? How do you feel? Why are you telling people something sad? They don't understand the ritual and "niceness" that adults create.
I find their responses very refreshing, they don't offer condolences, sympathy or feel sorry for my loss, they just ask questions, and offer the occasional strange solution (one offered to build Dennis a lego dad).
I also understand the ritual around it too, it is a necessary rite of passage for the family to help them to adjust to life without someone. Organising the funeral was purposeful for me, now that we are getting back to "ordinary life" it is more difficult. One day i did say to Dennis that things would return to normal now and he said "but its not normal, daddy is dead!" How right he is, this is not normal, but it is as normal as it is going to get.
Another thing i took great effort to talk Dennis through, was what the funeral was about and what would happen. Here, I made two mistakes. I told him in the run up to it, that there would be alot of people round as we would have to "bury daddy." In fact we cremated him, but he had used these words with me in a conversation the week before. When i talked about this, he said "Why do i have to do it?" and when i reflected on this i think he thought i meant that he and i would have to physically dig the grave and put him in it. Children take things very literally. I then explained to him the whole process, i would go to a funeral director, tell them what was to be done, and they would do everything for us, we just had to turn up to a service, like when we go to church with Grandma.
I also did a very bad job of explaining cremation. This was mainly because i had an audience, as we were in the car, so i tried to make it sound nice and that "daddy would come back in a smaller pot than the box he went in", later that evening he asked me "Why do they have to shrink daddy? i don't want them to". So again, i found explaining the whole thing lead to peace of mind for him.
Another thing that struck me was his unquestioning/ questioning sense of what happens when you die. To Dennis, there were no question about the spirit, this was a statement, "he has gone to heaven", his preoccupation was much more to do with the body. The week before the funeral he asked if he could see him. I have to say, i didn't really have any wish to see the body (i had said my goodbyes in the hospice), but again, this is not one you can delegate, so i took him. I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up so he could see, he was very definite in his response, "no, can we go now." The questions came later ... "So is that all of daddy? Have they left him all in there?" "Why was he holding a flower?"
All the children i have spoken to, take a very pragmatic view on death. I haven't spoken to many, but some of his class have asked me. They are matter of fact about it, it is sad, its not nice, but what time does it happen? How do you feel? Why are you telling people something sad? They don't understand the ritual and "niceness" that adults create.
I find their responses very refreshing, they don't offer condolences, sympathy or feel sorry for my loss, they just ask questions, and offer the occasional strange solution (one offered to build Dennis a lego dad).
I also understand the ritual around it too, it is a necessary rite of passage for the family to help them to adjust to life without someone. Organising the funeral was purposeful for me, now that we are getting back to "ordinary life" it is more difficult. One day i did say to Dennis that things would return to normal now and he said "but its not normal, daddy is dead!" How right he is, this is not normal, but it is as normal as it is going to get.
Thursday, 17 February 2011
The Funeral
Sorting out the funeral was easy, Kevin had accepted his iminent death and he talked to me about it. He also knew what the potential hotspots were, he acknowledged his catholic roots and also knew he didn't want his mother's priest to oversee it. He spoke to her about it before his death. I was grateful, i knew how much he didn't like him and i didn't want to have the discussion myself. He told her the church where he wanted his funeral, she did some homework, paved the way, so to speak, and came back to ask him if he minded that there was "some" building work going on. He didn't mind. However when i went to look round it was more than "some" building work. I could see why he chose the church, the shape of the building was lovely, very cosy, much more his type of thing than the other more formal catholic building in the area. My initial reaction was one of panic, when i looked at the rubble and builder's screens, but then it occured to me that this was a chance to make it "Kevin". Kevin's catholic roots were such a small part of his life, that i was concerned that the funeral wouldn't reflect him, as most people would know him, including myself.
Looking at the ruined altar, an idea formed, which i voiced to his brother, who isn't into any "catholic mumbo jumbo" as he calls it. Kevin was best known for his drinking, running and upholstery, not for catholicism (not sure if that is the right order!) So i decided to make is "kevin-esque". The builder's screens could be swathed with fabric, and items could be placed there that reflected who Kevin was. The priest was happy with this, and so the funeral arrangements started.
I got alot out of organising the funeral. That may sound weird, but it was really important to me, to do his memory justice. He told me he wanted to go out with a bang, and i wanted to ensure that he did. I let his mum and sister do the readings, hymns and psalms, i don't know much about catholicism, having been brought up a protestant, but his brother and i set about personalising the bidding prayers and writing up our eulogies.
The other issue was the flowers. The funeral directors offered me a catalogue of flowers, but that really wasn't Kevin. He was very particular about flowers. I asked a good friend of ours, who also worked with Kevin over the years to help me with the fabric and flowers, both being something that would be personal to him. We chose ginger flowers, his favourites, and fabric that co-ordinated. He was a man best known for his flair for design and co-ordination, catalogues weren't the way forward.
With all the arrangements in place, we waited for the day. I was really nervous the night before, what if people didn't come? What if he didn't go out with a bang? I needn't have worried, the church was standing room only and the pub where the wake was held, did very well for a Friday afternoon! I don't know how many people came, but i think somewhere in the region of 200.
I felt we did him justice. The songs at the crematorium were "Grace Kelly" by Mica - our son chose this, they both used to listen to it. Fittingly ( i felt) it played three times, while everyone came in, as there were alot of people (Kevin always used to complain about how many times Dennis insisted on playing Mica in the car!) I felt this was a little private joke. There were some prayers and eulogies, then the last track was "Don't stop me now!" by Queen. Kevin used to joke that he wanted "Another one bites the dust!", this seemed a bit too distasteful, some would have got it, others would not, but the other track was a reflection of his spirit, he had said he was having too good a time to die. Close family blew him bubbles, as Dennis and I blow him a bubble message every night, before bed.
Later that evening, some of the Bolam's ended up in Karaoke singing "Don't stop me now!" and other tracks from the seventies and eighties that Kevin would have enjoyed. Some of us tried to send up Chinese lanterns, as he had walked the great wall of China only 4 months ago, we did this badly and with many giggles but no success. Either way, i think he would have been impressed by our ineptitude and drunken singing. He did go out with a bang, and indeed, would have been gutted to miss it, as he had told me he would.
Looking at the ruined altar, an idea formed, which i voiced to his brother, who isn't into any "catholic mumbo jumbo" as he calls it. Kevin was best known for his drinking, running and upholstery, not for catholicism (not sure if that is the right order!) So i decided to make is "kevin-esque". The builder's screens could be swathed with fabric, and items could be placed there that reflected who Kevin was. The priest was happy with this, and so the funeral arrangements started.
I got alot out of organising the funeral. That may sound weird, but it was really important to me, to do his memory justice. He told me he wanted to go out with a bang, and i wanted to ensure that he did. I let his mum and sister do the readings, hymns and psalms, i don't know much about catholicism, having been brought up a protestant, but his brother and i set about personalising the bidding prayers and writing up our eulogies.
The other issue was the flowers. The funeral directors offered me a catalogue of flowers, but that really wasn't Kevin. He was very particular about flowers. I asked a good friend of ours, who also worked with Kevin over the years to help me with the fabric and flowers, both being something that would be personal to him. We chose ginger flowers, his favourites, and fabric that co-ordinated. He was a man best known for his flair for design and co-ordination, catalogues weren't the way forward.
With all the arrangements in place, we waited for the day. I was really nervous the night before, what if people didn't come? What if he didn't go out with a bang? I needn't have worried, the church was standing room only and the pub where the wake was held, did very well for a Friday afternoon! I don't know how many people came, but i think somewhere in the region of 200.
I felt we did him justice. The songs at the crematorium were "Grace Kelly" by Mica - our son chose this, they both used to listen to it. Fittingly ( i felt) it played three times, while everyone came in, as there were alot of people (Kevin always used to complain about how many times Dennis insisted on playing Mica in the car!) I felt this was a little private joke. There were some prayers and eulogies, then the last track was "Don't stop me now!" by Queen. Kevin used to joke that he wanted "Another one bites the dust!", this seemed a bit too distasteful, some would have got it, others would not, but the other track was a reflection of his spirit, he had said he was having too good a time to die. Close family blew him bubbles, as Dennis and I blow him a bubble message every night, before bed.
Later that evening, some of the Bolam's ended up in Karaoke singing "Don't stop me now!" and other tracks from the seventies and eighties that Kevin would have enjoyed. Some of us tried to send up Chinese lanterns, as he had walked the great wall of China only 4 months ago, we did this badly and with many giggles but no success. Either way, i think he would have been impressed by our ineptitude and drunken singing. He did go out with a bang, and indeed, would have been gutted to miss it, as he had told me he would.
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