I have been doing my usual, keeping busy. I have been out with other Mums to Beautylase, I have been to book club, I have crewed on a yacht and now booked the next two weeks up totally!
All of this was fun, but as the end of my academic year came I started to feel the cracks. Fun though being busy is, I am trying to fill a void, I am hoping if I carry on long enough the grieving will pass me by and I will not have noticed.
After Kevin died I went straight back to work and focussed on that. I threw myself into the Half Marathon and now whatever activity I can find, but you can't avoid grief, it catches up with you. I started (about mid June) to feel crabby and annoyed with people over little things. I was annoyed with people who gave me sympathy, I was annoyed with people who didn't. It didn't really make sense. One night, after book club I came home to find that the Menace was too scared to go to bed, he thought he was going to be kidnapped. I paid the babysitter, apologised and then carried him to bed. I then found myself crying and swearing at the photo of Kevin. I was angry that I had been left to pick up the mess. Once again my overiding emotion seems to be anger at this stage, I hate anger, it is such an ugly emotion, but the reality is (to use Kevin's neices words) this is not what I signed up for. This is not where I expected to be. I also find myself appalled at the stereotypical classification (not others - mine). When I think of a widow, I imagine someome much older than me. The term "single mum" doesn't sit easily with me either.
I also get annoyed with people's sudden romantic view of death and of Kevin. He was such a kind man, so noble etc, yes, yes. I want them to talk about him in real terms, not an ideal that they have drawn up. Personally I like my people slightly flawed, not perfect, perfect annoys me (what a surprise!). I was peeved to find at parent's evening that my son is also doing it. In his books he rights about his brave, calm (not a word I would have used to describe him) daddy. he also writes about his lovely soft dog (so not the one that nicks his toys etc) but he hasn't written anything about me. I felt peeved and left out. The other family members made it into his book, but not me. Obviously I haven't told him I am peeved, but I did feel it.
Recently I have felt raw and cracked, and we are reaching the time of year that I have been dreading. The six weeks off in the rain (inevitably). Lets just hope that I can pull myself together again for them. I told myself today that I don't want to feel like this, it is draining, the decision to move myself forward into an acceptance of my world is up to me.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
The Menace's birthday, oh and the run!
No amount of obsessive weather watching made any difference, it hissed it down all day!
The week before I worked myself up into a crescendo of stress. I didn't even realise it until it was too late. Unfortunately the timing was awful, my busiest time of year, and I really wanted the event to go well. In a strange way I was more concerned about it than I was with the funeral! Kevin had told me what he wanted at the funeral, but I had nothing but my own wits to get me through this, and also I had to run a race, and mark an awful lot of exam papers. So I did what anyone in my situation would do - I baked 40 brownies and two birthday cakes, and invited three children over for a sleepover! Of course, that had to be the antidote!
It wasn't! (strange that) I also found myself in a strange emotional state. I really wanted to do Kevin proud, but I was also angry and having to live with this constant dilemma of his memory. Wanting to do right and not knowing if you can, and also being angry and having to do it all alone is a strange state to be in.
So I just got stressy, faffed alot and watched the dog misbehave (my barometer of how I am feeling). I know where all this bad feeling came from, Kevin was the one who was good at birthdays, and I knew that I had to step up to the mark and take another role that I didn't really want to! And just when I had so many other things to do too. I hated writing the card - love mummy (no daddy, that's it).
The run was hard, they have changed the course since I last did it, and it is very "undulating" especially in the second half! As I ran it I thought of Kevin, made piece with my bad feeling of the week. Parts of the route were runs we had done together and I felt he was there with me, I also ran in his Beating Bowel Cancer vest.
As ever I was ambitious in my timings having suggested to The White Lion that we would start the barbecue at 1.30, this did mean that there was no time for relaxing, it was staight home for a shower and then off again. Despite the awful weather we all had a good day, I cried a few times, I hope poeple forgave me and I really feel that we did Kevin proud. We raised over £8000 for Beating Bowel Cancer, thanks to all who suppported, ran, sponsored etc.
I managed to sell the T-shirts (to recoup my cost and add to the charity pot). I was worried I would forever be wearing T-shirts of Kevin! I thought I may be like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations. The team had been sort of viral, it grew and grew as we got nearer the day, so I had ordered them not entirely sure who wanted them, but thankfully people were happy to have them.
And even better, The Menace had a great birthday, he enjoyed the fun run with his friends and teachers, and then playing in the marquee at the White Lion with all the kids. He was so tired when we left, he didn't put up a fight at all, and I was so concerned I nearly left the dog! So thats another first done, next one is father's day!
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
St Albans Half Marathon
This weekend it is St Albans half marathon, 7 years ago Kevin missed it because The Menace was born on the Saturday night! He had persuaded a group of people from the pub to run, then he conveniently missed it! This Sunday it is the Half Marathon and also The Menace's birthday its one of those firsts!
So a group of us are running it in memory of Kevin. I am quite humbled and gobsmacked (not a word I usually use) by the support of friends and also the money we have raised for Beating Bowel Cancer. I have got T-shirts for running from the charity, some are also walking and many of The Menace's friends are running the fun run with him. We are doing a charity event at the White Lion afterwards, with a raffle and kids activities and I have many T-shirts printed with Kevin's picture on. I am sure he would be delighted to think of himself as a fashion item! I wanted to use the picture of him wearing his "let's F*** Cancer", but somehow it seemed inappropriate for The Menace and his friends to wear that, so I opted for a tamer one!
I have now started to obsessively watch the weather forecast, I feel somehow responsible for it! I really just want the day to go well, partly to say thank you to all the support that has been offered, the team has been viral, it has grown, sponsorship has far exceeded my expectations - and also to help The Menace enjoy his birthday. He loves his new T-shirt, it has already been into school and come home thankfully. I have already had to wash it!
I suspect this will be a difficult day for him, but I hope that seeing everyone there to support his dad's charity will help him through. His teacher is running the fun run with him (as a friend) lots of people will be there to help him.
So a group of us are running it in memory of Kevin. I am quite humbled and gobsmacked (not a word I usually use) by the support of friends and also the money we have raised for Beating Bowel Cancer. I have got T-shirts for running from the charity, some are also walking and many of The Menace's friends are running the fun run with him. We are doing a charity event at the White Lion afterwards, with a raffle and kids activities and I have many T-shirts printed with Kevin's picture on. I am sure he would be delighted to think of himself as a fashion item! I wanted to use the picture of him wearing his "let's F*** Cancer", but somehow it seemed inappropriate for The Menace and his friends to wear that, so I opted for a tamer one!
I have now started to obsessively watch the weather forecast, I feel somehow responsible for it! I really just want the day to go well, partly to say thank you to all the support that has been offered, the team has been viral, it has grown, sponsorship has far exceeded my expectations - and also to help The Menace enjoy his birthday. He loves his new T-shirt, it has already been into school and come home thankfully. I have already had to wash it!
I suspect this will be a difficult day for him, but I hope that seeing everyone there to support his dad's charity will help him through. His teacher is running the fun run with him (as a friend) lots of people will be there to help him.
Monday, 6 June 2011
Becoming Pack Leader
After the trip to Yorkshire I came home and looked up the dog trainer, who I encountered one day in the park. It was a particularly bad day, the dog was annoying me, and I randomly picked on this man to tell him I didn't know what to do with my dog. He had given me a card and I had left it lying around the house somewhere.
However I was aware that I needed to do something with the dog. It turns out that they pick up on your stress and take over as "pack leader" if they feel you are not up to the job. All of the hound's bad behaviour was related to my stress levels, and the more nervous I became with him the more badly behaved he was going to be. (In fairness to him, he was trying to be helpful, only in a human world, a dog's idea of helpful isn't that helpful)
Steve Lawrence (the dog trainer) came to the house and did an assessment. Annoyingly, all the things that the dog does with me, he did not even attempt in front of him. Steve put socks out (the dog nicks them off the washing line), the dog left them, he played fetch with Steve quite happily, with me he runs off with the ball! When Steve went to leave, the dog didn't attempt to bolt from the house like he normally does! It appears that in the dog's eyes, I do not have leadership qualities. (His name is Steve Lawrence, you can e mail him at stephen.lawrence7172@yahoo.co.uk, if you have a dog behavioural issue, I would highly recommend him!)
So I have been asserting myself as pack leader again! It is not as easy as when Steve did it, I am breaking three years of bad habits.(It has also occured to me that really I am being trained, not the dog!) The dog trainer has now been round three times and there is a definite improvement, but I fear that there is a long way to go! I now have to structure his walks and bond with him, just leaving him to his own devices and walking is not enough, but it will be worth it in the long run.
It did occur to me that I also needed to reign in The Menace, he was starting to feel that he was in charge! A house run by a six year old is havoc, so I have also been using the "calm assertive" technique on him. I managed to get him back in his own bed, not calling out all the time and generally sleeping better, helped by the fact that I used just after his bedtime to do "playing with the dog in the garden/ bonding".
They say you can learn leadership behaviours! I am doing my best! I was starting to feel in control of my life again, it was all going swimmingly, then we hit the end of May/ June! The busiest time for me (workwise), and also the time The Menace started to show his distress. Half term seems to have brought on a level of distress that wasn't obvious before. I think that this is partly to do with time (apparently it is not unusual for it to take a few months for children to show any signs of upset) and partly to do with it being the "second" holiday without him. In a way the "seconds" are worse than the "firsts". One expects the "firsts" to be hard, but the "seconds" give things a sense of permanancy that wasn't so real before.
I have contacted Grove House (the cancer hospice) to get some help for him, but I am still being "calm assertive". The dog training has been good for me in many ways, I am finding my walks with the dog more relaxing, and it has made me think about how I behave, and how I appear to be in control. Certainly The Menace doesn't like it when I am upset, it appears neither does the dog! Hopefully time and lots of "calm assertive" behaviour from me will lead to a better household!
However I was aware that I needed to do something with the dog. It turns out that they pick up on your stress and take over as "pack leader" if they feel you are not up to the job. All of the hound's bad behaviour was related to my stress levels, and the more nervous I became with him the more badly behaved he was going to be. (In fairness to him, he was trying to be helpful, only in a human world, a dog's idea of helpful isn't that helpful)
Steve Lawrence (the dog trainer) came to the house and did an assessment. Annoyingly, all the things that the dog does with me, he did not even attempt in front of him. Steve put socks out (the dog nicks them off the washing line), the dog left them, he played fetch with Steve quite happily, with me he runs off with the ball! When Steve went to leave, the dog didn't attempt to bolt from the house like he normally does! It appears that in the dog's eyes, I do not have leadership qualities. (His name is Steve Lawrence, you can e mail him at stephen.lawrence7172@yahoo.co.uk, if you have a dog behavioural issue, I would highly recommend him!)
So I have been asserting myself as pack leader again! It is not as easy as when Steve did it, I am breaking three years of bad habits.(It has also occured to me that really I am being trained, not the dog!) The dog trainer has now been round three times and there is a definite improvement, but I fear that there is a long way to go! I now have to structure his walks and bond with him, just leaving him to his own devices and walking is not enough, but it will be worth it in the long run.
It did occur to me that I also needed to reign in The Menace, he was starting to feel that he was in charge! A house run by a six year old is havoc, so I have also been using the "calm assertive" technique on him. I managed to get him back in his own bed, not calling out all the time and generally sleeping better, helped by the fact that I used just after his bedtime to do "playing with the dog in the garden/ bonding".
They say you can learn leadership behaviours! I am doing my best! I was starting to feel in control of my life again, it was all going swimmingly, then we hit the end of May/ June! The busiest time for me (workwise), and also the time The Menace started to show his distress. Half term seems to have brought on a level of distress that wasn't obvious before. I think that this is partly to do with time (apparently it is not unusual for it to take a few months for children to show any signs of upset) and partly to do with it being the "second" holiday without him. In a way the "seconds" are worse than the "firsts". One expects the "firsts" to be hard, but the "seconds" give things a sense of permanancy that wasn't so real before.
I have contacted Grove House (the cancer hospice) to get some help for him, but I am still being "calm assertive". The dog training has been good for me in many ways, I am finding my walks with the dog more relaxing, and it has made me think about how I behave, and how I appear to be in control. Certainly The Menace doesn't like it when I am upset, it appears neither does the dog! Hopefully time and lots of "calm assertive" behaviour from me will lead to a better household!
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
The Englishwoman who went up and hill and came down a mountain,.... only to find it was just another molehill
The title is a tenuous link, but bear with me....
Having just had a lovely week away in Ireland i have spent the "Royal Wedding" bank holiday weekend in Yorkshire at my parents, this is something i was nervous about, and also find difficult to write about. I don't want to offend, but also do need to paint a realistic picture.
The whole time that Kevin has been ill (he was diagnosed with cancer in December 2004) my mother has also been very ill. Just after Kevin finished his first round of chemotherapy my mother had her first stroke. This was in the July of 2005, followed by another really bad one in the September. It was then discovered that she had had a number of ischemic attacks, and the one in September was hemorrhagic (apologies if the spelling of either of these is wrong). Unfortunately the treatment for one causes the other, in other words there was nothing they could do. Over the past 6 years my mother has become more and more debilitated with multi-infarct dementia. She is now unable to do much more than eat (she has to be fed), sleep and bodily functions (she has been in a wheelchair since September 2005).
Over the years in between Kevin's treatments i have taken time off to also go and look after my mum so my step father can have a break. At first she would talk to us, her short term memory was bad, but she knew who we were, now she nods sometimes, occasionally says yes or no, but that is it. These responses are also intermittent so it is hard to know what she takes in, or doesn't.
Kevin was so accepting of his illness, and this has helped me to be very matter of fact about medical conditions. However, i regret to say that my step father's approach is very different. He insists that only her outside body is affected and that mum hears and knows everything we say. I am not convinced. The last time i went to Yorkshire before Kevin died was in September last year. I went on my own, i left Kevin and the Menace with a team of support around them in case it was needed. Before that we would go sometimes as a family and my role would be to look after mum, Kevin would keep the Menace amused and we would do our best to "keep up appearances". I would always end up very tense, not surprisingly Kevin never really enjoyed these visits, and afterwards we would either end up in fits of giggles about the situation or have a huge row. Here is why:
I come from what Kate Fox* would class as a very middle class family. My step-father is ex navy, my own father was ex-army. Standards and protocol must be maintained at all times. There is a table cloth for breakfast, not for dinner. There must always be a jug of water, etc. No illness or small children affects this standard, we maintain them at all times. I obviously don't maintain this in my own home, i think mealtimes should be enjoyed and relaxed and with it just being the Menace and myself we tend to get up for what we need, eat, chat, get down, enjoy. As Goffman** states small children are not good for maintainting the pretence, and the Menace finds the formality constraining, this was kind of manageable when Kevin was there, not so easy now. Mum takes about two hours to eat her meal, and i don't want Dennis to have to sit through the whole thing (in fairness he is not expected to, but it is a very long adult meal, nonetheless). I am also aware that when we are there, Dennis finds the attention i give to mum hard to watch, he tends to whine and get "needy"(this is hardly surprising after everything he hs been through), i have resolved that i will not go unless there is one of my siblings there and other children for him to play with.
This time my step-sister and her husband and daughter were there. The Menace has company and we were all able to muck in and maintain the levels of performativity. I'll explain: Foucault*** explains social constructionism through society's need to problematise issues (saying what is wrong, helps us to define what is right) and politicise them. My step-father has been a carer for 6 years, but prior to this was a business man, and an navy officer. He has turned problematising and politicising into an art form and a hobby/ habit. Everything is treated with the same level of detail (Foucault emphasised the importance of detail), from deconstructing the state of the nation to how many beans, cut in what style and cooked for how long.... we must have. Not only are we judged by these exacting standards, but also by the behaviour or our dogs (mine isn't that well behaved), i know that if i blow a whistle, it is unlikely my dog will be sitting at my heel, ready to jump through a hoop on the next command, so the only way i felt comfortable, was to run to the top of the nearest hill (it is quite steep) and let the dog off his lead so he could have a run, and then come back both myself and the dog exhausted (hence the tenuous link to the title - by the way this run took me an hour and a half each time). All of this demonstration of enthusiasm and attitude is a great distraction from the real issues. These are:
- My father feels isolated and lonely, he is angry that he has to make all the difficult decisions about my mother's care. (Legally this is up to him, none of us can do anything without his permission) He has said before that he is fed up with making decisions, but i have tried to take them off him, he will not relinquish them.
- My father is bored and frustrated with his life of caring.(The detail and care into everything is a way of holding onto the life he had before he became a carer - these are important to him as a symbol of his position and status, hence he wants to hold onto them)
_ How much is my mother really "in there"? Is she happy? (These are the really difficult questions, that we are all trying to avoid asking, because we can't answer them. I would like to point out that whilst i have vented my frustration at the silly things, as a family we are all doing that because facing these "big" things is too difficult for us all to do. I assume this is natural behaviour (having done this over my husband's and my mother's illness for 5 years, i know no other way)).
I really missed Kevin on the journey home - i had no-one to deconstruct the weekend with, no-one to sound off to. My poor friend who came round that evening got a bit of an ear bashing. I had an appointment at the GP the next morning, he said i had raised blood pressure, i have to go back in a week to see if this is a false reading or not. Ireland may have been relaxing as it gave me a chance to escape. Yorkshire was less so as i had to confront things.
Oh, and the molehill bit - i am not very good at all the funny little games we construct to help distract us from the "big" questions, they all seem a bit meaningless in light of other issues.
References (desparately trying not to be too academic so flouting the conventions of referencing slightly)
Kate Fox (2004) Watching the English: the hidden rules of behaviour. Hodder and Stoughton Ltd
Erving Goffman (1959) The presentation of self in everyday life. Penguin
Michel Foucault(1975) Discipline and punish: the birth of the prison. Penguin
Having just had a lovely week away in Ireland i have spent the "Royal Wedding" bank holiday weekend in Yorkshire at my parents, this is something i was nervous about, and also find difficult to write about. I don't want to offend, but also do need to paint a realistic picture.
The whole time that Kevin has been ill (he was diagnosed with cancer in December 2004) my mother has also been very ill. Just after Kevin finished his first round of chemotherapy my mother had her first stroke. This was in the July of 2005, followed by another really bad one in the September. It was then discovered that she had had a number of ischemic attacks, and the one in September was hemorrhagic (apologies if the spelling of either of these is wrong). Unfortunately the treatment for one causes the other, in other words there was nothing they could do. Over the past 6 years my mother has become more and more debilitated with multi-infarct dementia. She is now unable to do much more than eat (she has to be fed), sleep and bodily functions (she has been in a wheelchair since September 2005).
Over the years in between Kevin's treatments i have taken time off to also go and look after my mum so my step father can have a break. At first she would talk to us, her short term memory was bad, but she knew who we were, now she nods sometimes, occasionally says yes or no, but that is it. These responses are also intermittent so it is hard to know what she takes in, or doesn't.
Kevin was so accepting of his illness, and this has helped me to be very matter of fact about medical conditions. However, i regret to say that my step father's approach is very different. He insists that only her outside body is affected and that mum hears and knows everything we say. I am not convinced. The last time i went to Yorkshire before Kevin died was in September last year. I went on my own, i left Kevin and the Menace with a team of support around them in case it was needed. Before that we would go sometimes as a family and my role would be to look after mum, Kevin would keep the Menace amused and we would do our best to "keep up appearances". I would always end up very tense, not surprisingly Kevin never really enjoyed these visits, and afterwards we would either end up in fits of giggles about the situation or have a huge row. Here is why:
I come from what Kate Fox* would class as a very middle class family. My step-father is ex navy, my own father was ex-army. Standards and protocol must be maintained at all times. There is a table cloth for breakfast, not for dinner. There must always be a jug of water, etc. No illness or small children affects this standard, we maintain them at all times. I obviously don't maintain this in my own home, i think mealtimes should be enjoyed and relaxed and with it just being the Menace and myself we tend to get up for what we need, eat, chat, get down, enjoy. As Goffman** states small children are not good for maintainting the pretence, and the Menace finds the formality constraining, this was kind of manageable when Kevin was there, not so easy now. Mum takes about two hours to eat her meal, and i don't want Dennis to have to sit through the whole thing (in fairness he is not expected to, but it is a very long adult meal, nonetheless). I am also aware that when we are there, Dennis finds the attention i give to mum hard to watch, he tends to whine and get "needy"(this is hardly surprising after everything he hs been through), i have resolved that i will not go unless there is one of my siblings there and other children for him to play with.
This time my step-sister and her husband and daughter were there. The Menace has company and we were all able to muck in and maintain the levels of performativity. I'll explain: Foucault*** explains social constructionism through society's need to problematise issues (saying what is wrong, helps us to define what is right) and politicise them. My step-father has been a carer for 6 years, but prior to this was a business man, and an navy officer. He has turned problematising and politicising into an art form and a hobby/ habit. Everything is treated with the same level of detail (Foucault emphasised the importance of detail), from deconstructing the state of the nation to how many beans, cut in what style and cooked for how long.... we must have. Not only are we judged by these exacting standards, but also by the behaviour or our dogs (mine isn't that well behaved), i know that if i blow a whistle, it is unlikely my dog will be sitting at my heel, ready to jump through a hoop on the next command, so the only way i felt comfortable, was to run to the top of the nearest hill (it is quite steep) and let the dog off his lead so he could have a run, and then come back both myself and the dog exhausted (hence the tenuous link to the title - by the way this run took me an hour and a half each time). All of this demonstration of enthusiasm and attitude is a great distraction from the real issues. These are:
- My father feels isolated and lonely, he is angry that he has to make all the difficult decisions about my mother's care. (Legally this is up to him, none of us can do anything without his permission) He has said before that he is fed up with making decisions, but i have tried to take them off him, he will not relinquish them.
- My father is bored and frustrated with his life of caring.(The detail and care into everything is a way of holding onto the life he had before he became a carer - these are important to him as a symbol of his position and status, hence he wants to hold onto them)
_ How much is my mother really "in there"? Is she happy? (These are the really difficult questions, that we are all trying to avoid asking, because we can't answer them. I would like to point out that whilst i have vented my frustration at the silly things, as a family we are all doing that because facing these "big" things is too difficult for us all to do. I assume this is natural behaviour (having done this over my husband's and my mother's illness for 5 years, i know no other way)).
I really missed Kevin on the journey home - i had no-one to deconstruct the weekend with, no-one to sound off to. My poor friend who came round that evening got a bit of an ear bashing. I had an appointment at the GP the next morning, he said i had raised blood pressure, i have to go back in a week to see if this is a false reading or not. Ireland may have been relaxing as it gave me a chance to escape. Yorkshire was less so as i had to confront things.
Oh, and the molehill bit - i am not very good at all the funny little games we construct to help distract us from the "big" questions, they all seem a bit meaningless in light of other issues.
References (desparately trying not to be too academic so flouting the conventions of referencing slightly)
Kate Fox (2004) Watching the English: the hidden rules of behaviour. Hodder and Stoughton Ltd
Erving Goffman (1959) The presentation of self in everyday life. Penguin
Michel Foucault(1975) Discipline and punish: the birth of the prison. Penguin
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Easter
The two weeks leading up to Easter were hard, i was starting to feel very run down and in need of a rest! This was compounded by the Menace breaking up a week before me - and what a manic week that was. I ended up not only doing my usual lectures, but in Wimbledon for a meeting on the Friday and also lecturing on the Saturday. I was also going out on the Saturday night and flying out to Ireland on the Sunday.
For a couple of weeks, i had had a burning mouth, indigestion and general malaise, this wasn't going to be an easy week, but i made it!!
This was the first break that the Menace amd myself had been on without Kevin. Oddly it was not an issue - we went away with my family (my sister-in-law is Irish). My packing was a bit erratic, i managed to pack all the wrong things - i forgot my pyjamas, and took next years diary!!?
Luckily I was able to resolve all on arrival. The Menace was an excellent companion to travel with, he is an age where he can wheel his own bag and can be very sensible. We got there easily, was met at the airport by my brother, and headed off to sunny Donegal! (and it was sunny). We had an interesting journey, we ran out of deisel, my brother had to run to get some! He set off with a cheery "not a problem!"
We arrived in one piece, the Menace ran off to join his cousins, i sat down with a cup of tea and started to wind down. That first night i felt awful, like some sort of space cadet - a head like cotton wool! But a good night's sleep, a week with no access to the internet, so couldn't check my e mails, and a holiday reminiscent of my childhood - boating, beaching and suchlike, lead to a feeling of calm that i haven't felt for months! (I had debated taking some marking, but in the end decided to leave work well and truly behind).
I can honestly say i really enjoyed myself, this was partly because this was not really a holiday that Kevin would have enjoyed, so i didn't feel that ache of how he would miss it. Kevin couldn't swim, would have hated being waist high in the cold water of the Atlantic in April!! It just reminded me of the years of holidays in Anglesey, when my brother and i did these things before (as children). It was a good choice of holiday for a "first".
We went out to a far off beach by boat, had a barbecue, we went dune running, we caught the first lobster of the season (which i killed by putting it in fresh water) and we ate the first lobster of the season. The Menace loved being with his three cousins and had a great time.
We had a walk to the beach on our own one day, and Dennis asked if we could "do this again, next time for two weeks" - i just loved to hear him having fun and doing kid's things.
We came home for Easter Sunday, i tackled it with a new sense of calm, and have had a good weekend too! Although there are plenty more "firsts" i am feeling stronger right now, that has got to be a good thing, i don't want to let the little one down, he needs to see me strong! So Happy Easter to you all!! I feel like sharing the cheer!
For a couple of weeks, i had had a burning mouth, indigestion and general malaise, this wasn't going to be an easy week, but i made it!!
This was the first break that the Menace amd myself had been on without Kevin. Oddly it was not an issue - we went away with my family (my sister-in-law is Irish). My packing was a bit erratic, i managed to pack all the wrong things - i forgot my pyjamas, and took next years diary!!?
Luckily I was able to resolve all on arrival. The Menace was an excellent companion to travel with, he is an age where he can wheel his own bag and can be very sensible. We got there easily, was met at the airport by my brother, and headed off to sunny Donegal! (and it was sunny). We had an interesting journey, we ran out of deisel, my brother had to run to get some! He set off with a cheery "not a problem!"
We arrived in one piece, the Menace ran off to join his cousins, i sat down with a cup of tea and started to wind down. That first night i felt awful, like some sort of space cadet - a head like cotton wool! But a good night's sleep, a week with no access to the internet, so couldn't check my e mails, and a holiday reminiscent of my childhood - boating, beaching and suchlike, lead to a feeling of calm that i haven't felt for months! (I had debated taking some marking, but in the end decided to leave work well and truly behind).
I can honestly say i really enjoyed myself, this was partly because this was not really a holiday that Kevin would have enjoyed, so i didn't feel that ache of how he would miss it. Kevin couldn't swim, would have hated being waist high in the cold water of the Atlantic in April!! It just reminded me of the years of holidays in Anglesey, when my brother and i did these things before (as children). It was a good choice of holiday for a "first".
We went out to a far off beach by boat, had a barbecue, we went dune running, we caught the first lobster of the season (which i killed by putting it in fresh water) and we ate the first lobster of the season. The Menace loved being with his three cousins and had a great time.
We had a walk to the beach on our own one day, and Dennis asked if we could "do this again, next time for two weeks" - i just loved to hear him having fun and doing kid's things.
We came home for Easter Sunday, i tackled it with a new sense of calm, and have had a good weekend too! Although there are plenty more "firsts" i am feeling stronger right now, that has got to be a good thing, i don't want to let the little one down, he needs to see me strong! So Happy Easter to you all!! I feel like sharing the cheer!
Monday, 4 April 2011
Mixed Emotions
I feel that this week i have been visited by the three ghosts; The Ghost of Lost Opportunities Past, Present and Future.
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Past
A few weeks ago i met up with some old friends. We go way back and meet up once in a blue moon. One of them was complaining (as we all do) about her hoard of children and what a pain it all was. At the time it didn't bother me and i was happy to join in and empathise with the rant. But later, on my own, i felt a stab of peevishness. One of the issues i have to deal with from the menace is his wish for a sibling, he regularly asks me if i could "have a baby in my tummy", and i have explained that i am a bit old for that. What i haven't told him about was how hard we tried for a sibling, how i went through four unsuccessful rounds of artificial insemination with Kevin's frozen sperm, nor can i tell him the bitter disppointment each time it didn't work. I don't begrudge anyone moaning and normally is doesn't bother me, in fact it didn't bother me this time. It just sparked in me that feeling of complete lost chances, because in Kevin's death, that last hope went, even though it was never going to happen anyway....and we had accepted that and stopped trying ages ago. Its just the Menace in his innocence, doesn't know the anguish we went through. I am in general happy with my one, i know there are others who don't have that, and i don't wish to seem ungrateful, it was just a part of the mourning process. Dennis, in turn likes the idea of the security of siblings, he has expressed to me concern that if i died he would be all alone. My first reaction to that was to brush it under the carpet, but it has been a very real fear for me, so i felt the best thing was to tell him what would happen if i did die. He would go and stay with my close friends, who would be his guardian, until his cousin gets back from Japan, then he would live with them. He looked relieved that i had thought about it, so i know it was the right thing to do - tell him. I did assure him that i am not planning to go anywhere!
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Present
This week i went to a party. It was the 40th birthday of one of the parents, and good friends from school. I found this very hard, these were friends that we made and built up friendships with together, so to go on my own was very hard, and not entirely successful. I arrived too early, i couldn't find the e mail about what time to get there, i was also getting quite tearful on the way, perhaps walking there on my own was a bit stupid! I was the second person (well third), the only other people being their old college mates, i felt awkward, made an excuse, left for a bit. I punished myself by walking passed Kevin's old workshop and went to the pub we met in. I knew there would be people i knew who could distract me, but the first thing someone said was "Are you okay?" in a concerned voice, so i ended up in tears. Thankfully i was surrounded by good friends and good landladies who plied me with drinks and cheered me up. (The pub is the White Lion, on Sopwell Lane, should you ever wish to visit, it is very hospitable!) I managed to recover myself and go back to the party. But the evening was one of those "firsts". A time, out with Kevin when i really wouldn't have gone without him under any other circumstances. The Menace was staying at a friends, so i went home to a very quiet house (the dog was pleased to see me), to then face Mother's Day in the morning. Mother's Day was also hard, as that is the sort of day Kevin was very good at(and normally for me such things bear little significance - i am not called the Grinch for nothing). But once again, good friends and my little boy got me through. My friends spoilt me, gave me a lovely necklace from the Menace, who wanted to get me a "beautiful dress" because apparently i am quite cool (that won't last, but made me melt, that he would say it, anyway..... and not to me, to my friend, even better, makes it more heartfelt).
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Future
I have had Kevin's wedding ring made to fit me, i have also put in it three small stones, one to represent each of us, him, me and the Menace. The three stones are our favourite colours - green (Kevin), orange (Dennis), red (me) - Yes i know, it is a traffic light!! I was idly twirling it the other day and i took it off, just to check that the inside was okay (we had our initials and the date of our wedding engraved in it). It hit me then, that we would never have another wedding anniversary.
This was never a day of huge celebration, usually we would go for a meal, get each other a card, bicker etc, nothing special, but special to us nonetheless. It was a real blow, because acknowledging it will be hard (our anniversary is not until September!!) you can't pretend it isn't there, nor ask someone else to acknowledge it with you, in a way it strikes me as the hardest, as that is a day personal to us two. The Menace and i have also been discussing the summer holidays, and facing it together without him seems tough right now. We have sorted Easter distractions, but not summer ones. We have some good ideas and some fabulous friends who are helping us to not face it alone, but the anxiety has still been there.
In my determination and resilience (i can be a bit gungho), i have, this week acknowledged that just forcing myself to do everything is not necessarily the best response, holidaying with friends may be an easier option this year! I had tried to tell myself that we would do it "just the two of us", but i think, perhaps scarring us both for life, at this stage is not the way forward! Friends have taken it out of my hands and are making such decisions for me, and i am (i have to say) eternally grateful!
All in all, there has been a lot of acknowledgements on my part this last week (my Polyanna approach is wearing a bit thin), and it has been a tough one. I have decided to try and be a bit easier on myself for the next few weeks. All work and no play .... and no, i am not stopping work, but perhaps, not working late at the computer every night (and if i don't not beating myself up about it..).
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Past
A few weeks ago i met up with some old friends. We go way back and meet up once in a blue moon. One of them was complaining (as we all do) about her hoard of children and what a pain it all was. At the time it didn't bother me and i was happy to join in and empathise with the rant. But later, on my own, i felt a stab of peevishness. One of the issues i have to deal with from the menace is his wish for a sibling, he regularly asks me if i could "have a baby in my tummy", and i have explained that i am a bit old for that. What i haven't told him about was how hard we tried for a sibling, how i went through four unsuccessful rounds of artificial insemination with Kevin's frozen sperm, nor can i tell him the bitter disppointment each time it didn't work. I don't begrudge anyone moaning and normally is doesn't bother me, in fact it didn't bother me this time. It just sparked in me that feeling of complete lost chances, because in Kevin's death, that last hope went, even though it was never going to happen anyway....and we had accepted that and stopped trying ages ago. Its just the Menace in his innocence, doesn't know the anguish we went through. I am in general happy with my one, i know there are others who don't have that, and i don't wish to seem ungrateful, it was just a part of the mourning process. Dennis, in turn likes the idea of the security of siblings, he has expressed to me concern that if i died he would be all alone. My first reaction to that was to brush it under the carpet, but it has been a very real fear for me, so i felt the best thing was to tell him what would happen if i did die. He would go and stay with my close friends, who would be his guardian, until his cousin gets back from Japan, then he would live with them. He looked relieved that i had thought about it, so i know it was the right thing to do - tell him. I did assure him that i am not planning to go anywhere!
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Present
This week i went to a party. It was the 40th birthday of one of the parents, and good friends from school. I found this very hard, these were friends that we made and built up friendships with together, so to go on my own was very hard, and not entirely successful. I arrived too early, i couldn't find the e mail about what time to get there, i was also getting quite tearful on the way, perhaps walking there on my own was a bit stupid! I was the second person (well third), the only other people being their old college mates, i felt awkward, made an excuse, left for a bit. I punished myself by walking passed Kevin's old workshop and went to the pub we met in. I knew there would be people i knew who could distract me, but the first thing someone said was "Are you okay?" in a concerned voice, so i ended up in tears. Thankfully i was surrounded by good friends and good landladies who plied me with drinks and cheered me up. (The pub is the White Lion, on Sopwell Lane, should you ever wish to visit, it is very hospitable!) I managed to recover myself and go back to the party. But the evening was one of those "firsts". A time, out with Kevin when i really wouldn't have gone without him under any other circumstances. The Menace was staying at a friends, so i went home to a very quiet house (the dog was pleased to see me), to then face Mother's Day in the morning. Mother's Day was also hard, as that is the sort of day Kevin was very good at(and normally for me such things bear little significance - i am not called the Grinch for nothing). But once again, good friends and my little boy got me through. My friends spoilt me, gave me a lovely necklace from the Menace, who wanted to get me a "beautiful dress" because apparently i am quite cool (that won't last, but made me melt, that he would say it, anyway..... and not to me, to my friend, even better, makes it more heartfelt).
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Future
I have had Kevin's wedding ring made to fit me, i have also put in it three small stones, one to represent each of us, him, me and the Menace. The three stones are our favourite colours - green (Kevin), orange (Dennis), red (me) - Yes i know, it is a traffic light!! I was idly twirling it the other day and i took it off, just to check that the inside was okay (we had our initials and the date of our wedding engraved in it). It hit me then, that we would never have another wedding anniversary.
This was never a day of huge celebration, usually we would go for a meal, get each other a card, bicker etc, nothing special, but special to us nonetheless. It was a real blow, because acknowledging it will be hard (our anniversary is not until September!!) you can't pretend it isn't there, nor ask someone else to acknowledge it with you, in a way it strikes me as the hardest, as that is a day personal to us two. The Menace and i have also been discussing the summer holidays, and facing it together without him seems tough right now. We have sorted Easter distractions, but not summer ones. We have some good ideas and some fabulous friends who are helping us to not face it alone, but the anxiety has still been there.
In my determination and resilience (i can be a bit gungho), i have, this week acknowledged that just forcing myself to do everything is not necessarily the best response, holidaying with friends may be an easier option this year! I had tried to tell myself that we would do it "just the two of us", but i think, perhaps scarring us both for life, at this stage is not the way forward! Friends have taken it out of my hands and are making such decisions for me, and i am (i have to say) eternally grateful!
All in all, there has been a lot of acknowledgements on my part this last week (my Polyanna approach is wearing a bit thin), and it has been a tough one. I have decided to try and be a bit easier on myself for the next few weeks. All work and no play .... and no, i am not stopping work, but perhaps, not working late at the computer every night (and if i don't not beating myself up about it..).
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