After the trip to Yorkshire I came home and looked up the dog trainer, who I encountered one day in the park. It was a particularly bad day, the dog was annoying me, and I randomly picked on this man to tell him I didn't know what to do with my dog. He had given me a card and I had left it lying around the house somewhere.
However I was aware that I needed to do something with the dog. It turns out that they pick up on your stress and take over as "pack leader" if they feel you are not up to the job. All of the hound's bad behaviour was related to my stress levels, and the more nervous I became with him the more badly behaved he was going to be. (In fairness to him, he was trying to be helpful, only in a human world, a dog's idea of helpful isn't that helpful)
Steve Lawrence (the dog trainer) came to the house and did an assessment. Annoyingly, all the things that the dog does with me, he did not even attempt in front of him. Steve put socks out (the dog nicks them off the washing line), the dog left them, he played fetch with Steve quite happily, with me he runs off with the ball! When Steve went to leave, the dog didn't attempt to bolt from the house like he normally does! It appears that in the dog's eyes, I do not have leadership qualities. (His name is Steve Lawrence, you can e mail him at stephen.lawrence7172@yahoo.co.uk, if you have a dog behavioural issue, I would highly recommend him!)
So I have been asserting myself as pack leader again! It is not as easy as when Steve did it, I am breaking three years of bad habits.(It has also occured to me that really I am being trained, not the dog!) The dog trainer has now been round three times and there is a definite improvement, but I fear that there is a long way to go! I now have to structure his walks and bond with him, just leaving him to his own devices and walking is not enough, but it will be worth it in the long run.
It did occur to me that I also needed to reign in The Menace, he was starting to feel that he was in charge! A house run by a six year old is havoc, so I have also been using the "calm assertive" technique on him. I managed to get him back in his own bed, not calling out all the time and generally sleeping better, helped by the fact that I used just after his bedtime to do "playing with the dog in the garden/ bonding".
They say you can learn leadership behaviours! I am doing my best! I was starting to feel in control of my life again, it was all going swimmingly, then we hit the end of May/ June! The busiest time for me (workwise), and also the time The Menace started to show his distress. Half term seems to have brought on a level of distress that wasn't obvious before. I think that this is partly to do with time (apparently it is not unusual for it to take a few months for children to show any signs of upset) and partly to do with it being the "second" holiday without him. In a way the "seconds" are worse than the "firsts". One expects the "firsts" to be hard, but the "seconds" give things a sense of permanancy that wasn't so real before.
I have contacted Grove House (the cancer hospice) to get some help for him, but I am still being "calm assertive". The dog training has been good for me in many ways, I am finding my walks with the dog more relaxing, and it has made me think about how I behave, and how I appear to be in control. Certainly The Menace doesn't like it when I am upset, it appears neither does the dog! Hopefully time and lots of "calm assertive" behaviour from me will lead to a better household!
Monday, 6 June 2011
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
The Englishwoman who went up and hill and came down a mountain,.... only to find it was just another molehill
The title is a tenuous link, but bear with me....
Having just had a lovely week away in Ireland i have spent the "Royal Wedding" bank holiday weekend in Yorkshire at my parents, this is something i was nervous about, and also find difficult to write about. I don't want to offend, but also do need to paint a realistic picture.
The whole time that Kevin has been ill (he was diagnosed with cancer in December 2004) my mother has also been very ill. Just after Kevin finished his first round of chemotherapy my mother had her first stroke. This was in the July of 2005, followed by another really bad one in the September. It was then discovered that she had had a number of ischemic attacks, and the one in September was hemorrhagic (apologies if the spelling of either of these is wrong). Unfortunately the treatment for one causes the other, in other words there was nothing they could do. Over the past 6 years my mother has become more and more debilitated with multi-infarct dementia. She is now unable to do much more than eat (she has to be fed), sleep and bodily functions (she has been in a wheelchair since September 2005).
Over the years in between Kevin's treatments i have taken time off to also go and look after my mum so my step father can have a break. At first she would talk to us, her short term memory was bad, but she knew who we were, now she nods sometimes, occasionally says yes or no, but that is it. These responses are also intermittent so it is hard to know what she takes in, or doesn't.
Kevin was so accepting of his illness, and this has helped me to be very matter of fact about medical conditions. However, i regret to say that my step father's approach is very different. He insists that only her outside body is affected and that mum hears and knows everything we say. I am not convinced. The last time i went to Yorkshire before Kevin died was in September last year. I went on my own, i left Kevin and the Menace with a team of support around them in case it was needed. Before that we would go sometimes as a family and my role would be to look after mum, Kevin would keep the Menace amused and we would do our best to "keep up appearances". I would always end up very tense, not surprisingly Kevin never really enjoyed these visits, and afterwards we would either end up in fits of giggles about the situation or have a huge row. Here is why:
I come from what Kate Fox* would class as a very middle class family. My step-father is ex navy, my own father was ex-army. Standards and protocol must be maintained at all times. There is a table cloth for breakfast, not for dinner. There must always be a jug of water, etc. No illness or small children affects this standard, we maintain them at all times. I obviously don't maintain this in my own home, i think mealtimes should be enjoyed and relaxed and with it just being the Menace and myself we tend to get up for what we need, eat, chat, get down, enjoy. As Goffman** states small children are not good for maintainting the pretence, and the Menace finds the formality constraining, this was kind of manageable when Kevin was there, not so easy now. Mum takes about two hours to eat her meal, and i don't want Dennis to have to sit through the whole thing (in fairness he is not expected to, but it is a very long adult meal, nonetheless). I am also aware that when we are there, Dennis finds the attention i give to mum hard to watch, he tends to whine and get "needy"(this is hardly surprising after everything he hs been through), i have resolved that i will not go unless there is one of my siblings there and other children for him to play with.
This time my step-sister and her husband and daughter were there. The Menace has company and we were all able to muck in and maintain the levels of performativity. I'll explain: Foucault*** explains social constructionism through society's need to problematise issues (saying what is wrong, helps us to define what is right) and politicise them. My step-father has been a carer for 6 years, but prior to this was a business man, and an navy officer. He has turned problematising and politicising into an art form and a hobby/ habit. Everything is treated with the same level of detail (Foucault emphasised the importance of detail), from deconstructing the state of the nation to how many beans, cut in what style and cooked for how long.... we must have. Not only are we judged by these exacting standards, but also by the behaviour or our dogs (mine isn't that well behaved), i know that if i blow a whistle, it is unlikely my dog will be sitting at my heel, ready to jump through a hoop on the next command, so the only way i felt comfortable, was to run to the top of the nearest hill (it is quite steep) and let the dog off his lead so he could have a run, and then come back both myself and the dog exhausted (hence the tenuous link to the title - by the way this run took me an hour and a half each time). All of this demonstration of enthusiasm and attitude is a great distraction from the real issues. These are:
- My father feels isolated and lonely, he is angry that he has to make all the difficult decisions about my mother's care. (Legally this is up to him, none of us can do anything without his permission) He has said before that he is fed up with making decisions, but i have tried to take them off him, he will not relinquish them.
- My father is bored and frustrated with his life of caring.(The detail and care into everything is a way of holding onto the life he had before he became a carer - these are important to him as a symbol of his position and status, hence he wants to hold onto them)
_ How much is my mother really "in there"? Is she happy? (These are the really difficult questions, that we are all trying to avoid asking, because we can't answer them. I would like to point out that whilst i have vented my frustration at the silly things, as a family we are all doing that because facing these "big" things is too difficult for us all to do. I assume this is natural behaviour (having done this over my husband's and my mother's illness for 5 years, i know no other way)).
I really missed Kevin on the journey home - i had no-one to deconstruct the weekend with, no-one to sound off to. My poor friend who came round that evening got a bit of an ear bashing. I had an appointment at the GP the next morning, he said i had raised blood pressure, i have to go back in a week to see if this is a false reading or not. Ireland may have been relaxing as it gave me a chance to escape. Yorkshire was less so as i had to confront things.
Oh, and the molehill bit - i am not very good at all the funny little games we construct to help distract us from the "big" questions, they all seem a bit meaningless in light of other issues.
References (desparately trying not to be too academic so flouting the conventions of referencing slightly)
Kate Fox (2004) Watching the English: the hidden rules of behaviour. Hodder and Stoughton Ltd
Erving Goffman (1959) The presentation of self in everyday life. Penguin
Michel Foucault(1975) Discipline and punish: the birth of the prison. Penguin
Having just had a lovely week away in Ireland i have spent the "Royal Wedding" bank holiday weekend in Yorkshire at my parents, this is something i was nervous about, and also find difficult to write about. I don't want to offend, but also do need to paint a realistic picture.
The whole time that Kevin has been ill (he was diagnosed with cancer in December 2004) my mother has also been very ill. Just after Kevin finished his first round of chemotherapy my mother had her first stroke. This was in the July of 2005, followed by another really bad one in the September. It was then discovered that she had had a number of ischemic attacks, and the one in September was hemorrhagic (apologies if the spelling of either of these is wrong). Unfortunately the treatment for one causes the other, in other words there was nothing they could do. Over the past 6 years my mother has become more and more debilitated with multi-infarct dementia. She is now unable to do much more than eat (she has to be fed), sleep and bodily functions (she has been in a wheelchair since September 2005).
Over the years in between Kevin's treatments i have taken time off to also go and look after my mum so my step father can have a break. At first she would talk to us, her short term memory was bad, but she knew who we were, now she nods sometimes, occasionally says yes or no, but that is it. These responses are also intermittent so it is hard to know what she takes in, or doesn't.
Kevin was so accepting of his illness, and this has helped me to be very matter of fact about medical conditions. However, i regret to say that my step father's approach is very different. He insists that only her outside body is affected and that mum hears and knows everything we say. I am not convinced. The last time i went to Yorkshire before Kevin died was in September last year. I went on my own, i left Kevin and the Menace with a team of support around them in case it was needed. Before that we would go sometimes as a family and my role would be to look after mum, Kevin would keep the Menace amused and we would do our best to "keep up appearances". I would always end up very tense, not surprisingly Kevin never really enjoyed these visits, and afterwards we would either end up in fits of giggles about the situation or have a huge row. Here is why:
I come from what Kate Fox* would class as a very middle class family. My step-father is ex navy, my own father was ex-army. Standards and protocol must be maintained at all times. There is a table cloth for breakfast, not for dinner. There must always be a jug of water, etc. No illness or small children affects this standard, we maintain them at all times. I obviously don't maintain this in my own home, i think mealtimes should be enjoyed and relaxed and with it just being the Menace and myself we tend to get up for what we need, eat, chat, get down, enjoy. As Goffman** states small children are not good for maintainting the pretence, and the Menace finds the formality constraining, this was kind of manageable when Kevin was there, not so easy now. Mum takes about two hours to eat her meal, and i don't want Dennis to have to sit through the whole thing (in fairness he is not expected to, but it is a very long adult meal, nonetheless). I am also aware that when we are there, Dennis finds the attention i give to mum hard to watch, he tends to whine and get "needy"(this is hardly surprising after everything he hs been through), i have resolved that i will not go unless there is one of my siblings there and other children for him to play with.
This time my step-sister and her husband and daughter were there. The Menace has company and we were all able to muck in and maintain the levels of performativity. I'll explain: Foucault*** explains social constructionism through society's need to problematise issues (saying what is wrong, helps us to define what is right) and politicise them. My step-father has been a carer for 6 years, but prior to this was a business man, and an navy officer. He has turned problematising and politicising into an art form and a hobby/ habit. Everything is treated with the same level of detail (Foucault emphasised the importance of detail), from deconstructing the state of the nation to how many beans, cut in what style and cooked for how long.... we must have. Not only are we judged by these exacting standards, but also by the behaviour or our dogs (mine isn't that well behaved), i know that if i blow a whistle, it is unlikely my dog will be sitting at my heel, ready to jump through a hoop on the next command, so the only way i felt comfortable, was to run to the top of the nearest hill (it is quite steep) and let the dog off his lead so he could have a run, and then come back both myself and the dog exhausted (hence the tenuous link to the title - by the way this run took me an hour and a half each time). All of this demonstration of enthusiasm and attitude is a great distraction from the real issues. These are:
- My father feels isolated and lonely, he is angry that he has to make all the difficult decisions about my mother's care. (Legally this is up to him, none of us can do anything without his permission) He has said before that he is fed up with making decisions, but i have tried to take them off him, he will not relinquish them.
- My father is bored and frustrated with his life of caring.(The detail and care into everything is a way of holding onto the life he had before he became a carer - these are important to him as a symbol of his position and status, hence he wants to hold onto them)
_ How much is my mother really "in there"? Is she happy? (These are the really difficult questions, that we are all trying to avoid asking, because we can't answer them. I would like to point out that whilst i have vented my frustration at the silly things, as a family we are all doing that because facing these "big" things is too difficult for us all to do. I assume this is natural behaviour (having done this over my husband's and my mother's illness for 5 years, i know no other way)).
I really missed Kevin on the journey home - i had no-one to deconstruct the weekend with, no-one to sound off to. My poor friend who came round that evening got a bit of an ear bashing. I had an appointment at the GP the next morning, he said i had raised blood pressure, i have to go back in a week to see if this is a false reading or not. Ireland may have been relaxing as it gave me a chance to escape. Yorkshire was less so as i had to confront things.
Oh, and the molehill bit - i am not very good at all the funny little games we construct to help distract us from the "big" questions, they all seem a bit meaningless in light of other issues.
References (desparately trying not to be too academic so flouting the conventions of referencing slightly)
Kate Fox (2004) Watching the English: the hidden rules of behaviour. Hodder and Stoughton Ltd
Erving Goffman (1959) The presentation of self in everyday life. Penguin
Michel Foucault(1975) Discipline and punish: the birth of the prison. Penguin
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Easter
The two weeks leading up to Easter were hard, i was starting to feel very run down and in need of a rest! This was compounded by the Menace breaking up a week before me - and what a manic week that was. I ended up not only doing my usual lectures, but in Wimbledon for a meeting on the Friday and also lecturing on the Saturday. I was also going out on the Saturday night and flying out to Ireland on the Sunday.
For a couple of weeks, i had had a burning mouth, indigestion and general malaise, this wasn't going to be an easy week, but i made it!!
This was the first break that the Menace amd myself had been on without Kevin. Oddly it was not an issue - we went away with my family (my sister-in-law is Irish). My packing was a bit erratic, i managed to pack all the wrong things - i forgot my pyjamas, and took next years diary!!?
Luckily I was able to resolve all on arrival. The Menace was an excellent companion to travel with, he is an age where he can wheel his own bag and can be very sensible. We got there easily, was met at the airport by my brother, and headed off to sunny Donegal! (and it was sunny). We had an interesting journey, we ran out of deisel, my brother had to run to get some! He set off with a cheery "not a problem!"
We arrived in one piece, the Menace ran off to join his cousins, i sat down with a cup of tea and started to wind down. That first night i felt awful, like some sort of space cadet - a head like cotton wool! But a good night's sleep, a week with no access to the internet, so couldn't check my e mails, and a holiday reminiscent of my childhood - boating, beaching and suchlike, lead to a feeling of calm that i haven't felt for months! (I had debated taking some marking, but in the end decided to leave work well and truly behind).
I can honestly say i really enjoyed myself, this was partly because this was not really a holiday that Kevin would have enjoyed, so i didn't feel that ache of how he would miss it. Kevin couldn't swim, would have hated being waist high in the cold water of the Atlantic in April!! It just reminded me of the years of holidays in Anglesey, when my brother and i did these things before (as children). It was a good choice of holiday for a "first".
We went out to a far off beach by boat, had a barbecue, we went dune running, we caught the first lobster of the season (which i killed by putting it in fresh water) and we ate the first lobster of the season. The Menace loved being with his three cousins and had a great time.
We had a walk to the beach on our own one day, and Dennis asked if we could "do this again, next time for two weeks" - i just loved to hear him having fun and doing kid's things.
We came home for Easter Sunday, i tackled it with a new sense of calm, and have had a good weekend too! Although there are plenty more "firsts" i am feeling stronger right now, that has got to be a good thing, i don't want to let the little one down, he needs to see me strong! So Happy Easter to you all!! I feel like sharing the cheer!
For a couple of weeks, i had had a burning mouth, indigestion and general malaise, this wasn't going to be an easy week, but i made it!!
This was the first break that the Menace amd myself had been on without Kevin. Oddly it was not an issue - we went away with my family (my sister-in-law is Irish). My packing was a bit erratic, i managed to pack all the wrong things - i forgot my pyjamas, and took next years diary!!?
Luckily I was able to resolve all on arrival. The Menace was an excellent companion to travel with, he is an age where he can wheel his own bag and can be very sensible. We got there easily, was met at the airport by my brother, and headed off to sunny Donegal! (and it was sunny). We had an interesting journey, we ran out of deisel, my brother had to run to get some! He set off with a cheery "not a problem!"
We arrived in one piece, the Menace ran off to join his cousins, i sat down with a cup of tea and started to wind down. That first night i felt awful, like some sort of space cadet - a head like cotton wool! But a good night's sleep, a week with no access to the internet, so couldn't check my e mails, and a holiday reminiscent of my childhood - boating, beaching and suchlike, lead to a feeling of calm that i haven't felt for months! (I had debated taking some marking, but in the end decided to leave work well and truly behind).
I can honestly say i really enjoyed myself, this was partly because this was not really a holiday that Kevin would have enjoyed, so i didn't feel that ache of how he would miss it. Kevin couldn't swim, would have hated being waist high in the cold water of the Atlantic in April!! It just reminded me of the years of holidays in Anglesey, when my brother and i did these things before (as children). It was a good choice of holiday for a "first".
We went out to a far off beach by boat, had a barbecue, we went dune running, we caught the first lobster of the season (which i killed by putting it in fresh water) and we ate the first lobster of the season. The Menace loved being with his three cousins and had a great time.
We had a walk to the beach on our own one day, and Dennis asked if we could "do this again, next time for two weeks" - i just loved to hear him having fun and doing kid's things.
We came home for Easter Sunday, i tackled it with a new sense of calm, and have had a good weekend too! Although there are plenty more "firsts" i am feeling stronger right now, that has got to be a good thing, i don't want to let the little one down, he needs to see me strong! So Happy Easter to you all!! I feel like sharing the cheer!
Monday, 4 April 2011
Mixed Emotions
I feel that this week i have been visited by the three ghosts; The Ghost of Lost Opportunities Past, Present and Future.
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Past
A few weeks ago i met up with some old friends. We go way back and meet up once in a blue moon. One of them was complaining (as we all do) about her hoard of children and what a pain it all was. At the time it didn't bother me and i was happy to join in and empathise with the rant. But later, on my own, i felt a stab of peevishness. One of the issues i have to deal with from the menace is his wish for a sibling, he regularly asks me if i could "have a baby in my tummy", and i have explained that i am a bit old for that. What i haven't told him about was how hard we tried for a sibling, how i went through four unsuccessful rounds of artificial insemination with Kevin's frozen sperm, nor can i tell him the bitter disppointment each time it didn't work. I don't begrudge anyone moaning and normally is doesn't bother me, in fact it didn't bother me this time. It just sparked in me that feeling of complete lost chances, because in Kevin's death, that last hope went, even though it was never going to happen anyway....and we had accepted that and stopped trying ages ago. Its just the Menace in his innocence, doesn't know the anguish we went through. I am in general happy with my one, i know there are others who don't have that, and i don't wish to seem ungrateful, it was just a part of the mourning process. Dennis, in turn likes the idea of the security of siblings, he has expressed to me concern that if i died he would be all alone. My first reaction to that was to brush it under the carpet, but it has been a very real fear for me, so i felt the best thing was to tell him what would happen if i did die. He would go and stay with my close friends, who would be his guardian, until his cousin gets back from Japan, then he would live with them. He looked relieved that i had thought about it, so i know it was the right thing to do - tell him. I did assure him that i am not planning to go anywhere!
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Present
This week i went to a party. It was the 40th birthday of one of the parents, and good friends from school. I found this very hard, these were friends that we made and built up friendships with together, so to go on my own was very hard, and not entirely successful. I arrived too early, i couldn't find the e mail about what time to get there, i was also getting quite tearful on the way, perhaps walking there on my own was a bit stupid! I was the second person (well third), the only other people being their old college mates, i felt awkward, made an excuse, left for a bit. I punished myself by walking passed Kevin's old workshop and went to the pub we met in. I knew there would be people i knew who could distract me, but the first thing someone said was "Are you okay?" in a concerned voice, so i ended up in tears. Thankfully i was surrounded by good friends and good landladies who plied me with drinks and cheered me up. (The pub is the White Lion, on Sopwell Lane, should you ever wish to visit, it is very hospitable!) I managed to recover myself and go back to the party. But the evening was one of those "firsts". A time, out with Kevin when i really wouldn't have gone without him under any other circumstances. The Menace was staying at a friends, so i went home to a very quiet house (the dog was pleased to see me), to then face Mother's Day in the morning. Mother's Day was also hard, as that is the sort of day Kevin was very good at(and normally for me such things bear little significance - i am not called the Grinch for nothing). But once again, good friends and my little boy got me through. My friends spoilt me, gave me a lovely necklace from the Menace, who wanted to get me a "beautiful dress" because apparently i am quite cool (that won't last, but made me melt, that he would say it, anyway..... and not to me, to my friend, even better, makes it more heartfelt).
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Future
I have had Kevin's wedding ring made to fit me, i have also put in it three small stones, one to represent each of us, him, me and the Menace. The three stones are our favourite colours - green (Kevin), orange (Dennis), red (me) - Yes i know, it is a traffic light!! I was idly twirling it the other day and i took it off, just to check that the inside was okay (we had our initials and the date of our wedding engraved in it). It hit me then, that we would never have another wedding anniversary.
This was never a day of huge celebration, usually we would go for a meal, get each other a card, bicker etc, nothing special, but special to us nonetheless. It was a real blow, because acknowledging it will be hard (our anniversary is not until September!!) you can't pretend it isn't there, nor ask someone else to acknowledge it with you, in a way it strikes me as the hardest, as that is a day personal to us two. The Menace and i have also been discussing the summer holidays, and facing it together without him seems tough right now. We have sorted Easter distractions, but not summer ones. We have some good ideas and some fabulous friends who are helping us to not face it alone, but the anxiety has still been there.
In my determination and resilience (i can be a bit gungho), i have, this week acknowledged that just forcing myself to do everything is not necessarily the best response, holidaying with friends may be an easier option this year! I had tried to tell myself that we would do it "just the two of us", but i think, perhaps scarring us both for life, at this stage is not the way forward! Friends have taken it out of my hands and are making such decisions for me, and i am (i have to say) eternally grateful!
All in all, there has been a lot of acknowledgements on my part this last week (my Polyanna approach is wearing a bit thin), and it has been a tough one. I have decided to try and be a bit easier on myself for the next few weeks. All work and no play .... and no, i am not stopping work, but perhaps, not working late at the computer every night (and if i don't not beating myself up about it..).
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Past
A few weeks ago i met up with some old friends. We go way back and meet up once in a blue moon. One of them was complaining (as we all do) about her hoard of children and what a pain it all was. At the time it didn't bother me and i was happy to join in and empathise with the rant. But later, on my own, i felt a stab of peevishness. One of the issues i have to deal with from the menace is his wish for a sibling, he regularly asks me if i could "have a baby in my tummy", and i have explained that i am a bit old for that. What i haven't told him about was how hard we tried for a sibling, how i went through four unsuccessful rounds of artificial insemination with Kevin's frozen sperm, nor can i tell him the bitter disppointment each time it didn't work. I don't begrudge anyone moaning and normally is doesn't bother me, in fact it didn't bother me this time. It just sparked in me that feeling of complete lost chances, because in Kevin's death, that last hope went, even though it was never going to happen anyway....and we had accepted that and stopped trying ages ago. Its just the Menace in his innocence, doesn't know the anguish we went through. I am in general happy with my one, i know there are others who don't have that, and i don't wish to seem ungrateful, it was just a part of the mourning process. Dennis, in turn likes the idea of the security of siblings, he has expressed to me concern that if i died he would be all alone. My first reaction to that was to brush it under the carpet, but it has been a very real fear for me, so i felt the best thing was to tell him what would happen if i did die. He would go and stay with my close friends, who would be his guardian, until his cousin gets back from Japan, then he would live with them. He looked relieved that i had thought about it, so i know it was the right thing to do - tell him. I did assure him that i am not planning to go anywhere!
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Present
This week i went to a party. It was the 40th birthday of one of the parents, and good friends from school. I found this very hard, these were friends that we made and built up friendships with together, so to go on my own was very hard, and not entirely successful. I arrived too early, i couldn't find the e mail about what time to get there, i was also getting quite tearful on the way, perhaps walking there on my own was a bit stupid! I was the second person (well third), the only other people being their old college mates, i felt awkward, made an excuse, left for a bit. I punished myself by walking passed Kevin's old workshop and went to the pub we met in. I knew there would be people i knew who could distract me, but the first thing someone said was "Are you okay?" in a concerned voice, so i ended up in tears. Thankfully i was surrounded by good friends and good landladies who plied me with drinks and cheered me up. (The pub is the White Lion, on Sopwell Lane, should you ever wish to visit, it is very hospitable!) I managed to recover myself and go back to the party. But the evening was one of those "firsts". A time, out with Kevin when i really wouldn't have gone without him under any other circumstances. The Menace was staying at a friends, so i went home to a very quiet house (the dog was pleased to see me), to then face Mother's Day in the morning. Mother's Day was also hard, as that is the sort of day Kevin was very good at(and normally for me such things bear little significance - i am not called the Grinch for nothing). But once again, good friends and my little boy got me through. My friends spoilt me, gave me a lovely necklace from the Menace, who wanted to get me a "beautiful dress" because apparently i am quite cool (that won't last, but made me melt, that he would say it, anyway..... and not to me, to my friend, even better, makes it more heartfelt).
The Ghost of Lost Opportunities - Future
I have had Kevin's wedding ring made to fit me, i have also put in it three small stones, one to represent each of us, him, me and the Menace. The three stones are our favourite colours - green (Kevin), orange (Dennis), red (me) - Yes i know, it is a traffic light!! I was idly twirling it the other day and i took it off, just to check that the inside was okay (we had our initials and the date of our wedding engraved in it). It hit me then, that we would never have another wedding anniversary.
This was never a day of huge celebration, usually we would go for a meal, get each other a card, bicker etc, nothing special, but special to us nonetheless. It was a real blow, because acknowledging it will be hard (our anniversary is not until September!!) you can't pretend it isn't there, nor ask someone else to acknowledge it with you, in a way it strikes me as the hardest, as that is a day personal to us two. The Menace and i have also been discussing the summer holidays, and facing it together without him seems tough right now. We have sorted Easter distractions, but not summer ones. We have some good ideas and some fabulous friends who are helping us to not face it alone, but the anxiety has still been there.
In my determination and resilience (i can be a bit gungho), i have, this week acknowledged that just forcing myself to do everything is not necessarily the best response, holidaying with friends may be an easier option this year! I had tried to tell myself that we would do it "just the two of us", but i think, perhaps scarring us both for life, at this stage is not the way forward! Friends have taken it out of my hands and are making such decisions for me, and i am (i have to say) eternally grateful!
All in all, there has been a lot of acknowledgements on my part this last week (my Polyanna approach is wearing a bit thin), and it has been a tough one. I have decided to try and be a bit easier on myself for the next few weeks. All work and no play .... and no, i am not stopping work, but perhaps, not working late at the computer every night (and if i don't not beating myself up about it..).
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Getting rid of Bertie
We had two cars, an old battered (my fault) ford galaxy, better known as Bertie (the big red bus), and a little burgundy A class merc called Ruby. Personalising the cars happened when we got Ruby, she was my mum's car, she is also ill and can no longer drive, so my father gave her to us. At the time Kevin needed the big car for his work and i also needed a car for work. Ruby was a real help in our lives. Ruby was always my car, but after my unfortunate incident in the multi storey car park, i was relegated to driving Bertie.
One day after Kevin's death we were coming back from somewhere, in Ruby, when Dennis made some comment, i can't even remember what it was, but he was talking about Bertie. I casually mentioned that we would be selling Bertie, as we didn't need two cars any more. Up until that point, he had been a very brave boy and was going really well (too well, in fact). I was not prepared for the reaction i got. He was really angry at the decision to sell the big car. I explained that we didn't need and couldn't afford two cars. "but daddy paid for that car, its ours!" He went running down the road in his socks, he was screaming "you can't sell Bertie!"
I went after him, picked him up, he was clinging to the car and crying. Stupidly, i said "well technically, we didn't pay for it, daddy's brother lent us the money." The menace was insistent "Is he making you sell Bertie? You choosed the wrong car!" (I was trying to avoid being seen as the bad one, i was failing to point out i had made the decision myself) When i phoned up the insurance company, they wanted to charge me three times the ammount Kevin paid to take on the insurance, it really wasn't worth it. To be honest, since i crashed it, great though it was to drive, it wasn't very aesthetically pleasing and i wasn't expecting to get much for it. Poor uncle Paul had to take the brunt of Dennis' anger, i felt truly awful.
Dennis sobbed on the phone to his uncle "Now that's two things that have gone, Daddy and Bertie!" His uncle's reaction was to try and distract him, he talked about all sorts of things, lego, days out, letters he would write him, anything to stop him thinking about the car. After about 30 minutes the conversation ended and the menace went up for bathtime and bed. It had taken about an hour and a half to calm him down. At one point, he was standing in the sitting room screaming, he seemed to be seeing how loud he could scream, a release of all his tension and emotion, he seemed to be enjoying it. (I understood that feeling, i have done it myself).
My first thought was to not talk about Bertie, just sell him and be done with it. But my policy has been to be honest with him and i didn't want to break his trust, so instead i took the stance of talking him through why and how we would sell him. Over the nest few days Dennis came up with all sorts of reasons for why we needed to keep Bertie. "How will we take Tom and his family to the cinema? How will you drive my friends to my party? What if we need to pick up something big from Granny and Grumpy's?" All these questions i tried to answer as best i could.
I explained to Dennis that cars do not last forever ( i regretted that i had personalised them with names). I told him how they deppreciate in value, i explained tax and insurance, petrol costs and maintenance. I had to explain these quite a few times, they are not easy concepts for a six year old! In the end he accepted that Bertie was going and changed his tack, "Can we sell him to someone we know." I explained that not everyone wants a 7 seater car, and that it was unlikely we would see Bertie again, but we could always remember him.
At the same time all this was going on, they changed the law on owning an uninsured car, i was getting very nervous as i still hadn't sold the car, and i did not want to pay the £1500 odd they wanted to charge me. I phoned the insurance company and asked for an extension to the one month's grace, they would not. I thanked the woman for being most unhelpful and put the phone down. This was not going well. My friend (@i_amnotdan) phoned the police and asked about the law, and kindly sent me an e mail entitled "Car insurance - the facts"
This did calm me down, but i still wanted to get rid of the car, it was starting to feel like a millstone around my neck and i didn't really want to go through all the reasons why we were selling it, all over again.
In the end the menace got his way. Some friends bought it off us, Dennis was happy, he can still see Bertie and i am happy i no longer have an illegal, uninsured car sitting on my lawn. And huge thanks to Uncle Paul for helping me with the difficult conversations, and @i_amnotdan for helping me with the selling.
I promised Dennis that was the only thing that would go, nothing else would change. I really hope i can keep that promise! I am also going to make a conscious effort not to personalise the cars again!
One day after Kevin's death we were coming back from somewhere, in Ruby, when Dennis made some comment, i can't even remember what it was, but he was talking about Bertie. I casually mentioned that we would be selling Bertie, as we didn't need two cars any more. Up until that point, he had been a very brave boy and was going really well (too well, in fact). I was not prepared for the reaction i got. He was really angry at the decision to sell the big car. I explained that we didn't need and couldn't afford two cars. "but daddy paid for that car, its ours!" He went running down the road in his socks, he was screaming "you can't sell Bertie!"
I went after him, picked him up, he was clinging to the car and crying. Stupidly, i said "well technically, we didn't pay for it, daddy's brother lent us the money." The menace was insistent "Is he making you sell Bertie? You choosed the wrong car!" (I was trying to avoid being seen as the bad one, i was failing to point out i had made the decision myself) When i phoned up the insurance company, they wanted to charge me three times the ammount Kevin paid to take on the insurance, it really wasn't worth it. To be honest, since i crashed it, great though it was to drive, it wasn't very aesthetically pleasing and i wasn't expecting to get much for it. Poor uncle Paul had to take the brunt of Dennis' anger, i felt truly awful.
Dennis sobbed on the phone to his uncle "Now that's two things that have gone, Daddy and Bertie!" His uncle's reaction was to try and distract him, he talked about all sorts of things, lego, days out, letters he would write him, anything to stop him thinking about the car. After about 30 minutes the conversation ended and the menace went up for bathtime and bed. It had taken about an hour and a half to calm him down. At one point, he was standing in the sitting room screaming, he seemed to be seeing how loud he could scream, a release of all his tension and emotion, he seemed to be enjoying it. (I understood that feeling, i have done it myself).
My first thought was to not talk about Bertie, just sell him and be done with it. But my policy has been to be honest with him and i didn't want to break his trust, so instead i took the stance of talking him through why and how we would sell him. Over the nest few days Dennis came up with all sorts of reasons for why we needed to keep Bertie. "How will we take Tom and his family to the cinema? How will you drive my friends to my party? What if we need to pick up something big from Granny and Grumpy's?" All these questions i tried to answer as best i could.
I explained to Dennis that cars do not last forever ( i regretted that i had personalised them with names). I told him how they deppreciate in value, i explained tax and insurance, petrol costs and maintenance. I had to explain these quite a few times, they are not easy concepts for a six year old! In the end he accepted that Bertie was going and changed his tack, "Can we sell him to someone we know." I explained that not everyone wants a 7 seater car, and that it was unlikely we would see Bertie again, but we could always remember him.
At the same time all this was going on, they changed the law on owning an uninsured car, i was getting very nervous as i still hadn't sold the car, and i did not want to pay the £1500 odd they wanted to charge me. I phoned the insurance company and asked for an extension to the one month's grace, they would not. I thanked the woman for being most unhelpful and put the phone down. This was not going well. My friend (@i_amnotdan) phoned the police and asked about the law, and kindly sent me an e mail entitled "Car insurance - the facts"
This did calm me down, but i still wanted to get rid of the car, it was starting to feel like a millstone around my neck and i didn't really want to go through all the reasons why we were selling it, all over again.
In the end the menace got his way. Some friends bought it off us, Dennis was happy, he can still see Bertie and i am happy i no longer have an illegal, uninsured car sitting on my lawn. And huge thanks to Uncle Paul for helping me with the difficult conversations, and @i_amnotdan for helping me with the selling.
I promised Dennis that was the only thing that would go, nothing else would change. I really hope i can keep that promise! I am also going to make a conscious effort not to personalise the cars again!
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Automaton
On World book day this year, the menace wanted to go as a "robot", not really stretching his vocabulary, so i turned him into an "automaton". This seems an apt way to describe myself at present.
I feel everything is a rush. I have never been good in the mornings, Kevin always got up, made the coffee and waited for me and Dennis to surface. Now i get up, perhaps a little later than i should, rush around, shout alot (well - chivvy) my little menace, who has no sense of urgency. I force the dog out into the garden, chirrup at him until he has done the necessaries. I have no time to waste with sniffing the garden and strolling around in small circles, my neighbours must laugh at the mad woman standing on the lawn and beckoning the dog to get things done, so i can get going myself.
I then deposit my son at the neighbours, and leave for work (they take him into school). After i have lectured i apply the same sense of urgency to preparing for the next day, printing things out for reprographics, meetings with students and staff, and then i leave with the same hurried approach with which i arrived. It is like being on a conveyor belt, i have to apply a strict schedule to everything until i am home and safe and can relax until the next day, when i go through it all again.
I have also been applying the same sense of urgency to walking the dog, i allow an hour slot, and i get impatient if he wanders off course a bit. All this rushing is exhausting and stressful. Thursday seems to be a particularly low point, by then the dog is a bit neurotic and so am i. I think it would be fair to say that by Thursday evening i am maudlin and depressed, i am also a bit short tempered!
Friday i work from home and start to relax again, ready to wind myself up again next week from Monday to Thursday! Its not exactly ideal, but i am not ready to give up yet. I have outsourced the cleaning and that has helped, although i still have to reserve time slots for all the other roles that i am juggling. I am sure over time i will work out a way of letting go of the some of the things that i needn't focus on, but i am still struggling to know which ones they are.
I have worked out that Thursdays are a low point, and best to avoid difficult conversations on that day. I have identified my areas for concern, and i have plans and contingency plans in place for them, but the constant calendar and clock watching is tiring me out and taking up alot of time in itself, time i just don't have. There is no time for spontaneity and relaxation, not unless they can fit into any of the small slots of time that are free (there are occasional 15 minutes which have not got anything diarised in). Anyway i must now go to bed, i have reserved the next few hours for sleep, i cannot waste them on anything else, because i will not get them back! Tomorrow i must get up and do it all over again, with the same level of impatience!
I feel everything is a rush. I have never been good in the mornings, Kevin always got up, made the coffee and waited for me and Dennis to surface. Now i get up, perhaps a little later than i should, rush around, shout alot (well - chivvy) my little menace, who has no sense of urgency. I force the dog out into the garden, chirrup at him until he has done the necessaries. I have no time to waste with sniffing the garden and strolling around in small circles, my neighbours must laugh at the mad woman standing on the lawn and beckoning the dog to get things done, so i can get going myself.
I then deposit my son at the neighbours, and leave for work (they take him into school). After i have lectured i apply the same sense of urgency to preparing for the next day, printing things out for reprographics, meetings with students and staff, and then i leave with the same hurried approach with which i arrived. It is like being on a conveyor belt, i have to apply a strict schedule to everything until i am home and safe and can relax until the next day, when i go through it all again.
I have also been applying the same sense of urgency to walking the dog, i allow an hour slot, and i get impatient if he wanders off course a bit. All this rushing is exhausting and stressful. Thursday seems to be a particularly low point, by then the dog is a bit neurotic and so am i. I think it would be fair to say that by Thursday evening i am maudlin and depressed, i am also a bit short tempered!
Friday i work from home and start to relax again, ready to wind myself up again next week from Monday to Thursday! Its not exactly ideal, but i am not ready to give up yet. I have outsourced the cleaning and that has helped, although i still have to reserve time slots for all the other roles that i am juggling. I am sure over time i will work out a way of letting go of the some of the things that i needn't focus on, but i am still struggling to know which ones they are.
I have worked out that Thursdays are a low point, and best to avoid difficult conversations on that day. I have identified my areas for concern, and i have plans and contingency plans in place for them, but the constant calendar and clock watching is tiring me out and taking up alot of time in itself, time i just don't have. There is no time for spontaneity and relaxation, not unless they can fit into any of the small slots of time that are free (there are occasional 15 minutes which have not got anything diarised in). Anyway i must now go to bed, i have reserved the next few hours for sleep, i cannot waste them on anything else, because i will not get them back! Tomorrow i must get up and do it all over again, with the same level of impatience!
Thursday, 3 March 2011
A month on...
Today is the 3rd March and Kevin died on 30th January, i suppose that is a month on. I have been doing well, almost too well, but tonight i feel awful! Yes, i am a strong person, yes i will take it one day at a time, but one day leads to another, which is exactly the same!
I am not afraid of being on my own, this is what i told Kevin and i did mean it, but it is honestly hard trying to do two roles, well maybe i should say more! A mother, a father, a full-time professional worker, a dog owner and a student.
I know many people juggle more than one role, i did anyway, but support helps. However, i need to clarify that, because i do have support. I have the help of friends, but nothing replaces that support of the one that you love. Friends go home, relatives are at the end of the phone, and even if they were all here, they would not be Kevin. If they were all here, they would be an irritation, to be honest, sometimes Kevin was! But i still loved him, even if he was an irritation!
Dennis gives me strength to "keep calm and carry on!" without him the temptation to do a "Reggie Perrin" may be greater. The problem with "life" is there is no respite! I went back to work early, mainly because i worried that if i stay away it will get more difficult to go back.
One month on, i feel this deep appreciation and sadness for all that Kevin did for me, even though perhaps i didn't realise it. He had been ill for a while, so it wasn't the concrete stuff, like the cleaning, cooking, helping with Dennis' homework, dog walking etc. Once back from China, last October he hadn't really done any of that, so i haven't taken on much that i didn't do for a while (although he was a very hands-on dad and house-husband before then), but it seems so much harder now, as there isn't any support or appreciation for the effort put in.
Once the little menace has gone to bed, it is hard to motivate myself, when there is no-one to perform this act of conscientiousness in front of. I always worked hard, but i knew he appreciated it and actively encouraged it. I know it was our vision to create an environment for when he was gone, but now he is, there isn't anyone to share the vision with and it all seems hard to "act out" the roles i have to play.
Going back to work and starting "normal life" felt like being hit by a bus. I am sure this is just a stage as the realisation of being a single mum sets in. The worse thing is that i haven't got Kevin to come home to and say "i've had an awful day!" I know friends want to take that role, but its not the same thing.
I feel responsible for so much and that isn't something you can share!
Its just a stage i have to go through .......
I am not afraid of being on my own, this is what i told Kevin and i did mean it, but it is honestly hard trying to do two roles, well maybe i should say more! A mother, a father, a full-time professional worker, a dog owner and a student.
I know many people juggle more than one role, i did anyway, but support helps. However, i need to clarify that, because i do have support. I have the help of friends, but nothing replaces that support of the one that you love. Friends go home, relatives are at the end of the phone, and even if they were all here, they would not be Kevin. If they were all here, they would be an irritation, to be honest, sometimes Kevin was! But i still loved him, even if he was an irritation!
Dennis gives me strength to "keep calm and carry on!" without him the temptation to do a "Reggie Perrin" may be greater. The problem with "life" is there is no respite! I went back to work early, mainly because i worried that if i stay away it will get more difficult to go back.
One month on, i feel this deep appreciation and sadness for all that Kevin did for me, even though perhaps i didn't realise it. He had been ill for a while, so it wasn't the concrete stuff, like the cleaning, cooking, helping with Dennis' homework, dog walking etc. Once back from China, last October he hadn't really done any of that, so i haven't taken on much that i didn't do for a while (although he was a very hands-on dad and house-husband before then), but it seems so much harder now, as there isn't any support or appreciation for the effort put in.
Once the little menace has gone to bed, it is hard to motivate myself, when there is no-one to perform this act of conscientiousness in front of. I always worked hard, but i knew he appreciated it and actively encouraged it. I know it was our vision to create an environment for when he was gone, but now he is, there isn't anyone to share the vision with and it all seems hard to "act out" the roles i have to play.
Going back to work and starting "normal life" felt like being hit by a bus. I am sure this is just a stage as the realisation of being a single mum sets in. The worse thing is that i haven't got Kevin to come home to and say "i've had an awful day!" I know friends want to take that role, but its not the same thing.
I feel responsible for so much and that isn't something you can share!
Its just a stage i have to go through .......
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