Ch..Ch..Changes

Once again, I have been very quiet.  I'm not ignoring you, its just I needed to think, and space to make some changes.  And I have made alot of changes.

The thing with change is it is necessary, but not always welcome.  When someone dies, you experience change, and others support you through it, but when you make changes yourself, this is your own decision and not necessarily one that others will like.  So, what have I changed?  Everything!

Having got together with Mr X, we decided to make a go of it and live together.  This is a big step for all, and therefore needed to work for us all.  Mr X is changing his lifestyle considerably by going from being a man about town, to a family man, and therefore needed some space to help him, and so we changed our place, school, job etc.

This may seem quite drastic, but I have a long past in St Albans, and therefore we decided to start somewhere new, to give us all a fresh start, so The Menace and I have moved into the big smoke and started a new adventure with Mr X.

This meant a new school for The Menace, he wasn't happy about that at first, but we did alot of looking around, found a school he liked and he joined the last week of the term.  We didn't move until the beginning of this term, but I wanted him to have knowledge of where he was going and something to look forwards to.

I also got a new job, and we have taken on a "project house" best way to describe it, so we can all literally and symbolically build our lives together.

Its all quite exciting but also very scary at the same time.

At the moment it feels like I threw everything I knew into the air, and have started from scratch with a whole new set of ideas, which sounds fun, and is, but is also quite stressful.  I will keep you posted as to how it all goes.  Here's to taking a deep breath and stepping forward...

That sounds really dramatic, but I hadn't realised how scared my experiences had made me, but I wasn't going to be beaten by it. It is easy to become crippled by worry and "what if's", there is a whole new adventure to be had, if you are willing to take it.  So I am the "new kid on the block", the "new mum in the playground", the "new person at work", do smile and say hi!  And yes, I am ready to come back to you all, and be chatty again.

Reflections of 2012

I know its nearly the end of January, but I take a while to get round to things.  I just wanted to reflect on mine and the Menace's journey in 2012.  It was a big change (again) for both of us.  As I said, I started dating someone (Mr X) just before the marathon, and its still going strong.

At first I didn't tell the Menace, but we have always been close and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it from him for long, nor did I want to.  When I told him Mr X was a special friend he wanted to know more about him, but he was suspicious.  I can understand why, he had had my undivided attention for 14 months.  He also started talking about Kevin an awful lot, something that hadn't been so apparent for a while.  I went to see the family counsellor at the Hospice of Saint Francis, I was worried that I was tipping him over the edge.  She explained to me, that he was a "very powerful little boy" that he and I had been equals and there was little reason for him to want to accept someone new.  It was made clear to me by the staff at the Hospice I needed to disempower him and get back my little boy, not let him be a little man.

This was very hard to do, I had spent 14 months wanting to empower him.  I wanted him to think that although he had no power about his dad dying, that life was good and that there was much to look forward to.  However inadvertently, spending my birthday with him and his friends at Pizza Express etc, made him feel that he was the centre of everything, which whilst true, is not a healthy view to have on life.   The analogy put to me was "you have both been paddling along in this boat, and you have swum off to another boat, he is trying to get you back."

So I worked hard to set some rules and explain what was "normal", and over time it has been really nice to watch him turn back into a little boy.  He is more relaxed and also looks forward to when Mr X comes over, and thinks of things for them to do together, although this is mainly watching films (something Mr X loves!)  Next weekend he wants them to make me a birthday cake together! (although he is having second thoughts on this, as Mr X doesn't eat cake).

The analogy of the boat, became very apparent after I went away for two nights with Mr X, for his birthday.  Up until then the Menace had been quite subtle about it, but he said "Mummy, you went away and had fun without me!"  I can see his dilemma, I am all he has and he doesn't want to lose that, but we were in danger of having a exploitative relationship before Mr X came along, it was all about what I could do for him.  However this outburst gave me a chance to talk about what is normal, and to focus on the long term.

He still misses his dad, but I love watching him get closer to Mr X, it is nice to see the Menace accepting the situation and moving forward.  A crucial moment for him was Mr X making a photo frame for his room, with lots of pictures of his dad in.  I think it helped him realise that there is room for memories and room for the present.  It is nice to see him recognise that change can be a good thing.  Mr X has also been to family events with the Bolams (Kevin's side of the family) and again, I think that helps the Menace to see that it is okay to accept a new person into our lives.

As we approach the second anniversary of his death, I can't help but think how far we have come, and how different I feel about life now, than I did two years ago.  I am at peace with my emotions, something I had not been, for a long time.  Kevin was ill for 6 years, we supported each other and grieved together, and I will always be amazed by the strength that he showed towards his situation and his imminent death. He really helped me to accept the deal, and it is nice now to move forward with love and hope for the future.

New beginnings

I didn't really know what to call this post, but I feel I should really update my blog, as I am aware that I have been very quiet.  The truth is I have been busy, as ever, but this time I've been busy enjoying myself and being happy.

Tomorrow will be the six month anniversary for myself and my new boyfriend, who I shall call Mr X.  Its a long story, in fact, we have known each other for about 20 years.  We were at Polytechnic together (I want to be pretentious and put University, but he will snigger at me for that!)

It all started just before the marathon...

I was talking to a joint friend of ours, saying that I thought I ought to think about moving on, dating, joining a website or some such monstrous idea, and she piped up with, "You should go on a practice date with Mr X!"  I just looked at her, and said "Pardon?" "Yes, he likes you." She said.  I didn't really know what to make of this, so instead I went round to another friends house (again a joint friend) with the other said friend and together they helped me get set up on a dating website.  It all felt a bit weird and strange (I've never quite known what to make of internet dating).

So over the next few days I looked at my profile and the offers coming in, it was quite exciting, but in the back of my mind, I kept thinking, "I could go out with him...or Mr X"  In the end I had to admit to myself that I also liked Mr X, and the awkwardness I felt was that it was someone I had known for years, someone who knew me, came to my wedding party, I went to his etc (he is now divorced) and I wasn't quite sure how to get out of the "friend zone".

Some friends (the ones mentioned earlier) had been trying to organise a Come Dine with Me evening, and we had been paired up (me and Mr X), but this seemed to be fizzling out, and not sure how to "go on a practice date" I decided to text him and discuss our team tactics, these involved, well, going out for dinner!

I was at a conference when I texted him and he didn't reply until the middle of the night!  I didn't sleep well that night!  Anyway after a few texts about tactics, we were going out for dinner to discuss menus (A DATE!!!!)

And that will be six months tomorrow.  They have been a lovely six months.  I don't want to turn this into a Barbara Cartland novel, so I shall leave it at that.

But whilst I have been happy, it has taken the Menace some time to get used to it.  Thankfully they do get on, but he was very jealous at first, he was used to my undivided attention, and within all the enjoyment of dating, its been a period of adjustment for us all.  Mr X is used to peace and quiet, and control over his environment, not chaos and lots of children (there is often others around), and the Menace has had to learn to share his mum, not as easy as he thought.  And I have to say dating AND being a mum is different than dating in your twenties, although I have really enjoyed it, but I have had to learn to put myself first sometimes, not always the Menace.  (Its quite nice though)

Running myself ragged!!

Since the ball I have concentrated in running training and also on well .... work. The marathon happens to fall in my busiest semester and it is hard (but I am determined to do it) to fit in the work, the childcare, the running and the dog. I multitask and combine the dog and running!! I have been pushing myself to get everything done, and to some extent have also neglected myself!

I ran a 17 mile run the other weekend while a friend looked after the Menace, and other than one little run, I haven't run since. I have got pain in my back from having not stretched enough, so I have taken a week out to recover and I am indulging in sports massage. Slowly it is getting better, then it will be back to the training. I realised that on the 17 mile run my iPhone "tunes for running" runs out at about 14 miles, so I need to build up some more. Music helps to keep me going and to pace myself.

So I have a proposition for you. I suggest you sponsor me £3 a song, go into the link attached it is my fundraising page, pledge your money and suggest a song (thanks to Susan Lewis, who did this before and gave me the idea!). These are the songs I have in my running playlist so far:

Tubthumping by Chumbawumba (I have to say, I love this one, to run to)

Pumped up Kicks by Foster the People

Loca People by Sak Noel

Jerk it Out by Caesars

Don't Stop Me Now by Queen (the song we had for Kevin, at his funeral)

Changed the Way You Kissed Me by Example

A-Punk by Vampire Weekend

The Adventures of Rain Dance by Red Hot Chilli Peppers

All in White by the Vaccines

Blow It Up by the Vaccines

Buck Rogers by Feeder

Closing Time by Semisonic

Down with the Trumpets by The Rizzle Kicks (they are a secret pleasure)

Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall by Coldplay

Family Friend by the Vaccines

Fluorescent Adolescent by the Arctic Monkeys

Forget you by Ceelo Green

Give It All Back - by Noah and the Whale

Heart Skips a Beat - by Olli Murs and the Rizzle Kicks (Sorry, I know)

Hey there Delilah by The Plain White T's

If you wanna by the Vaccines

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N by Noah and the Whale

A Lack of Understanding by the Vaccines

Life is Life - Noah and the Whale

Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons

Long Distance by Nizlopi (always makes me laugh in long runs)

My Favourite Game by The Cardigans

The Only Exception by Paramore

Post Break-Up Sex by the Vaccines

The Riverboat Song by Ocean Colour Scene

Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes

Shake Me Down by Cage the Elephant

Thinking of Me by Olly Murs (slightly embarrassed)

Tonight's the Kind of Night by Noah and the Whale

Wetsuit by the Vaccines

Wreckin' Bar by the Vaccines

So the only thing I ask is, make it a good tune to run to. Opera is not that easy to run to, choose classical with care and one other thing (please) not heavy metal. So I leave the music to you. Please sponsor me and help me build up the running tunes to keep me going!!

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=CarolineBolam

£3 a tune, I will buy the music, just suggest a tune, all the money goes to the charity!

The ball

I have been meaning to update the blog for ages, wanted to let you all know how the ball went. It was brilliant. I arrived early set up the last minute things, panicked as I didn't have enough table decorations, then realised that I had left three in the box outside. I then calmed down and finished off all the arranging and stood there, like a rabbit caught in the headlights. People started to arrive quite quickly, took their drink, wondered through, and before long we were ushering them to sit down and eat. We got the eating out of the way so we could have more of the band. Raffle tickets were sold after the first course, and then the raffle was done before dessert was served. I had a little speech all prepared (well, in my head), but things moved so well I never need to use it. (phew!)

The band was brilliant, I had a great night, in fact, suffice to say I had a ball. And I raised £4503 for Beating Bowel Cancer. I would like to attach my thank you presentation, but I can't, it won't let me. So a massive thanks to all who donated raffle prizes, they have been mentioned before. And also a huge thanks to the staff at OA's rugby club who are so unflappable. And one last thanks, to Fuchsia Pink, the florist in Wheathamsptead, who did all the table decorations. If anyone would like to tell me how I can attach the powerpoint presentation, I would be really grateful. Instead I attach some pictures (badly, I am not good at this formatting thing) taken by the lovely Stephanie Belton, who came and took valentine shots, and also some others, helping to raise some of the money. They are both pictures I love, they are of my friends having fun.

The Run Up

This title works for me on so many levels! I shall explain! I have been working on the ball, and also the running, and it is nearly the one year anniversary of Kevin's death. Organising the ball was such a stress at first, then it went so well that I was really excited and really positive about the start of 2012, being so much better than the start of 2011.

I also entered a 10 mile race, as a training run for the marathon. It went well, I decided not to do my usual ( try too hard, go too fast and not be able to complete it well), I didn't treat it as anything but a training run, and I completed it in 1 hour and 39 minutes, thus managing the 10 minute miles I had planned, and whats more, I felt good at the end. I ran using my iPod, this is something I never do, mainly because I am always combining taking the dog out and a run, and as the dog is so prone to distraction I make sure that I am concentrating on what he is up to, so that needs my full concentration. I really enjoyed running to some "tunes", however I forgot that I had put on "Monster Halloween Hits" for the Menace, so when the "Adam's family" snuck in there it made me giggle. And I should mention my Catherine Tate moment when I car tooted me to get out of the way and I screamed very loudly, much to the amusement of the other runners!

So the ball arrangements were going well, and the running was going well, but for some reason I just hit an emotional wall! I had a lot to look forward to, but had put off allowing myself to be emotional for so long. I exploded at work one day, I was in tears, fed up and I wanted some support. I work in an environment where you are mainly on your own, and suddenly I wanted to be part of a team, not always on my own. I have asked for some meetings, I need to get my enthusiasm back, and feel motivated to want to do things again. Right now I find it hard to maintain my momentum, and I feel tired and well.... depressed.

So work are finding ways of supporting me and I am also trying to find some time for "me"things. I don't mean a project, like the ball or the run, but just relaxing things - these are the things I never do. Why do I feel like this? As I said before, its coming up for the year's anniversary, it was this time last year that Kevin died and whilst we have made it through the year, it just feels like another long year ahead facing the same juggling and constant battle to keep everything afloat. It is like running a race, but not knowing how to pace yourself, its a constant struggle to keep up the momentum. I will find the energy again, I know I will, I won't give in to depression and lethargy, but I think I just need a few days feeling sorry for myself.

However it is not all bad, I am pleased with the ball and looking forwards to it, I am pleased with the run, and just when I was feeling really low (its my birthday at the end of next week and I can't muster up any enthusiasm for it) I got a bag in the post. I thought it was a raffle prize, but no, it was my birthday present from the lovely Gemma, Kevin's niece. Kevin always got me nice new handbags for either birthday or Christmas, she wanted to get me a nice bag, it made me cry, it was such a lovely thing to do.

I know that I feel low, because I miss his love and his thoughtfulness (and knowing that I have to keep going without it can be so hard), it was so nice to think somebody else was thinking of those special things like he did, and I can't think of a better person to do it. He and her were so close, and I know how much she misses him. It will be hard for her to be so far away on the anniversary of his death (she lives on the other side of the world) . I promise to post a picture Gem xx Thank you for reaching out, at just the right moment, with just the right gesture, Kevin would love that! The bag is lovely, but the thought that went into it, is so much more.

Organising the ball

I have got to be honest, I did this because a friend suggested it, and it seemed a unique way to get some money, and also have some fun at the same time, but organising a ball is really hard work. I am not a natural at promotion or selling or PR, and so I was doing my best to get together prizes for a raffle and ask for donations, but it was/is HARD WORK!! Initially things went well, I sold nearly all the tickets, a huge relief, I did spend a few days wondering if I was going to lose money rather than make it!! I now have less than a handful left, of course, I still have to get the money for them. I kept the prices low to make money on the night - this was at the advice of the chairman of OA's rugby club who are hosting it for me. I have to say they have been a huge help, lots of advice and contacts.

I have had some wonderful offers for prizes from some of the lovely twitter folk!

A beautiful red fire engine from @Cuthberts_Toys, St Albans (www.cuthbertstoys.com)

A lovely Jo Malone candle from a lovely lady known to me as @gillyjamjar. She is giving up posh coffees and wanted to put the money to good use.

A chocolate making workshop from the Melting Pot, in Hitchin @makechoccies.

Some vouchers from @splashman, otherwise known as Paul.

A massage voucher from @lucindamassage (www.lucindacracknell.co.uk)

A £25 voucher for @allabouttheboys, designer clothing for children. (www.allabouttheboys.co.uk)

A voucher for £350 worth of family photography from @emilyquinton (www.emilyquinton.co.uk)

A home networking kit from @solwise to help with all your wifi issues.

A free letting service for one year from @RuthPH.(www.purplehatproperty.co.uk)

A cretan villa for one week from @annieqpr. (www.rentavillaincrete.com)

Some chocolates from @goneFairtrade (Cadbury's)

A little valentine cupcake for all the guests from @heavensacupcake (www.heavenisacupcake.co.uk)

An organic pork pie from @samphireshop (www.samphireshop.co.uk)

A case of wine from @CraigLeGrice (www.craiglegrice.com)

Some Sylvanian Families goodies from @mandyvictory

A singing/acting children's party from @DebotutsNWHerts (www.debutots.co.uk)

and a couple of other leads from @mattbigg (www.thecollectivedesign.co.uk)

not forgetting to say thank you to @mediocre_mum and also @pminthepub for helping me with their Klout!

Offline, I have also got a case of wine from www.cellardoorwines.co.uk

3 sets of day passes for two at Sopwell House

A Handbag from the Dressing Room

A meal for two with a bottle of wine in the Cock (St Albans)

A meal for two at the Rose and Crown (St Albans)

A meal for two in the White Lion (St Albans)

A party from www.HappyFrogParties.co.uk

£100 to do whatever I like with from Nick Banks a local investment bank consultant (will be used for either wine or chocolates )

A family ticket (for 10 people) from Saracens for a match at Wembley on 31st March Against Harlequins)

A jewellery making workshop from Rachel Jeffrey (www.racheljeffrey.co.uk)

A five course meal for 2 at Manoir aux Quat Saisons (Raymond Blanc's restaurant in Oxfordshire)

The promise of some flowers from Fuchsia Pink, in Wheathampstead.

A week at a mutually convenient time for the winner and the vendor of a caravan in South Wales (www.st-davids-caravan.co.uk)

A trip out in the solent or round some of the Isle of Wight for a day in a Yacht (four people can go! - adults)

Not forgetting the loan of a roulette table for a raffle type game (as I don't have a gambling licence), from GCasino's in Luton (www.grosvenorcasinos.com)

So, once again friends, and friends of friends have been wonderful, and also the virtual friends on twitter. Thank you to you all xx. I am now very excited, looking forwards to it, and thinking that 2012, is so much better than 2011 was!

Charity Fundraising Ball

Last year, when Kevin was in the Hospice of St Francis, I tweeted @bowelcancer (Beating Bowel Cancer), Kevin had raised money for them in September that year by walking part of the Great Wall of China, a minor miracle when you think how ill he was. He started to go down hill after he got back. He admitted he had been mainly running on adrenalin. But he wasn’t running, he was walking, and Kevin really missed running. I will never forget him trying to (and succeeding to) run after major lung surgery which failed to get rid of the secondary cancers anyway.

I asked them if they would reserve me a place for the London Marathon, it is 11 years since I last did it, but Kevin loved running it, and I wanted to do something positive in his memory, so now I am going about the business of raising money, as well as awareness of Bowel Cancer.

I have organized a Charity Ball, with a Sweethearts theme (ish, I’m not really a theme kinda girl) for Valentines. It will be held on Friday 10^th February at Old Albanians Rugby Club on the Harpenden Road. It will be from 7 onwards, (dinner will be at 8.30pm) and tickets will be £50 each. I have 120 seats on tables of 10. The dress code will be black tie and posh frocks and there will be a three course meal and the band Soulfish. If you are not aware of them, check them out here http://www.lemonrock.com/soulfish.

It will be a great way to celebrate your valentine, so please get some tickets and come and support a good cause.

In fact, there are number of ways you can help me, direct message or e mail me if you want a ticket or a couple of tickets or a whole table of tickets. Also if you want to donate a prize for a raffle, however big or small do the same, your name will be added to the list of contributors/ sponsors, and it is good advertising. Alternatively if you are a company you can sponsor the event and your name will also be included in the list.

Christmas without Kevin

I spent Christmas day in Derbyshire, in a hired house, with Kevin’s family. It was a lovely day, but all the more poignant for me that I was with all his family without him. It felt very odd. I am glad I did it though, it was a chance for us all to acknowledge the strangeness of the situation together. Perhaps all the stranger for some of them, because Kevin may not have been with them on that day anyway, and it was all the more noticeable to me, because what bound me to them was him. The Menace had a great time with his cousins, he played brilliantly with the little ones (a 2 year old and 2 and a half year old).

Kevin was an absolute baby about Christmas, as his brother said “he was a pain”, he never really got over the childish excitement and used to wake me and the Menace up telling us “Santa has been!!” so the Menace would race out of bed in an excited frenzy. He insisted on the morning being a frenzy of present opening, it all HAD to be done in one go and then after that there would be a trip to the pub, then an afternoon of eating and telly. This is not my ideal of Christmas, but itwas my husbands’. This was the first year that the Menace had to wait to open some of his presents until midday.

We did do a trip to the pub, and I raised my glass to him, then during our meal in the afternoon the Menace asked to do the same, bringing tears to all our eyes. I found myself very busy at that moment sharing out the Christmas pudding! (He doesn’t like it when I cry). I really missed him but also realized that I now have to make Christmas my own. I will keep up some of the traditions he bought to it, I like going to the pub for a drink at lunch, usually to catch up with friends, although not in Derbyshire. I am trying to keep up our Christmas fish collection (we have some very expensive decorations which we have built up over the years), even though the shop has closed down. Thanks to Jo Morton of Morton and Sedgewick, a friend of ours, who bought some to sell, I can carry on the collection. But I am keen to reduce the present frenzy in the morning, mainly because I feel the Menace feels that what matters is to accumulate lots of presents, not to appreciate them as he gets them.

Certainly for me, the meal is a focus of family attention, this was less important for Kevin, but then he never had to spend all of January on a diet to get over the “eating season”. I now realize that I must build my own traditions and make it a family day for us that still matters but is our own. Someone did say to me this was a day that would stand out as different, and it did, they were right. I have made up my mind though, to move forward, and do to so bravely. Change isn’t a bad thing, it is necessary, tradition is good, but only when justified. We have to acknowledge that we are different to how we were, but that is okay too. Getting through the Christmas season has been hard, but also has given me a sense of freedom, it is okay to just be us (me and the Menace)!!

I don’t know if I am explaining myself very well here, about a week before Christmas, the dog was ill and wouldn’t sleep, I came downstairs and we both curled up on the sofa. I had a really weird dream, where Kevin came to see me as a ghost, all excited about Christmas,, in my mind I was worrying how the Menace would take this, I have spent all this time making sure that he understood the finality of death, and here was Kevin, I could almost feel him, it felt very uncomfortable, and I woke up a bit unnerved. In my dream I was worried how Kevin’s ghost, coming to join in Christmas, because he so loved it, would work. I have taken this dream to be my anxiety about how to do Christmas without Kevin, he didn’t call me the Grinch for nothing, but I have now realized that it is okay to be different, to move the journey forward, and not live in fear of a memory. I can now look back happily but also look forward happily too. I suppose this is what Kubler-Ross calls acceptance.

First of all, I need to do that January diet, and get back into running, as the London Marathon is not far off and I am doing it in his memory, for Beating Bowel Cancer, so onward we go, perhaps a bit quicker than I have been going!

Seasonal Festivities – Part 2

I also went to the charity Carol Service with my dad that I have mentioned before. This was laced with awful memories for me, from last year. Kevin had really wanted to go, even though he had been in a hospice to manage his pain right up until that day. Our friend Sandra drove us there, and we made it to the service, but the seats for so uncomfortable for Kevin that we left in the middle and he slept in the hotel.

I was pleased that my dad invited Sandra and her partner this year. It was his way of saying thank you to them, as they were such a support to Kevin and I and also put him up when he stayed for the funeral. We set off very late and arrived after the start, this was a good distraction, worrying about the time stopped my thinking too much. Although when we got in, we were sitting in the same place as last year, and I have to say I had a bit of a wallow in bad memories. Kevin had wanted to go because this is a special event, the Carol Service is in Hanover Square and all the lessons are read by famous people. One year Kevin was very pleased that he stole the RESERVED sign from under June Whitfield and kept it as a souvenir! Sandra was enjoying herself so I didn’t feel the need to break down, in fact that wouldn’t be my style anyway. We then went to the champagne reception at Christies and enjoyed circulating with people who seem so much greater than ourselves. Actually the evening was lovely, and not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

We have also hosted a few events ourselves, something we couldn’t do last year. I had the class meet-up at our house. This was hugely exciting to the Menace who could not go to sleep, knowing that all his friend’s mums were downstairs in our house, and he spent a large part of the evening wandering around in his pyjamas complaining how noisy we were and consequently lost his voice!

I had also promised the Menace a Christmas party, as he had wanted a Halloween one and it ended up not being at our house. We sat down to plan it and I said to him “9 friends, no more”. By the time we had both finished the invite list was 18 children if you included my own son. 18 children being over excited in my house wasn’t a very appealing prospect. A friend of mine has set up a company selling parties in a box called Happy Frogs Parties, so I turned to her for help. We bought a spy party. I was still terrified that the kids would race through it and then get bored. They really enjoyed trying to guess who was the spy, deciphering codes and finding the bugs. I had planned a few games of my own if needed, as I was convinced these kids were going to trash my home. In the end only 15 came, and they were as good as gold. They worked really well on the team games and were engrossed in the activities. In fact, the opposite of my fears happened. We ran out of time and did not complete all the games. We were so engrossed in making perescopes that I forgot the time and realized that the parents were picking them up in 5 minutes and I still hadn’t fed them!

I may very well use these parties again, they are reasonably priced, and kept me and the children sane! Not once were their tears (something that has happened at all previous parties).

The weblink is http://www.happyfrogparties.co.uk/

I think that the sleepover party looks very good and may go for one of those in the summer holidays to keep a group of kids happy. I don’t see why it has to be gender specific ( I suspect designed for girls in mind).

We are keeping busy and this helps.

Seasonal Festivities – Part 1

It is two days before Christmas, and the run up to the 25^th has certainly been a surreal experience this year. It has been a mixture of last year’s memories, with a smattering of its own.

The Menace is very excited about Christmas, as one would expect of any seven year old. The more the build up happens, the more excited he gets. We have been to many parties and events, and even hosted a few ourselves.

The Menace got invited to a party at the Hospice of St Francis in Berkhamsted. This is the hospice where Kevin died. The Menace wasn’t sure he wanted to go, neither had is dad been, when he went there either!! When Kevin had been admitted there in January I had repeatedly asked The Menace if he wanted to go in, but he chose to stay away. The hospice had approached me afterwards and asked if I wanted support for the Menace or myself, but I declined, as we had already built up a relationship with Grove House Hospice counselling team, which is much closer to us (right on our doorstep to be honest). So I told St Francis I would go back to Grove House. When the invite came through the door I asked The Menace if he wanted to go, I explained it was a party for bereaved children and what that means. He looked at me and said “I’m not sure.” The party bit sounded good, but going to the hospice that he had so actively avoided didn’t quite hit his agenda.

When The Menace had play therapy, one of things that he did was play a game every week in the doll’s house, where it was a hospital with a sick daddy inside and a little boy on the roof, with some monster s(I think he used the Harry Potter monsters that they had). He play this consistently, until the week I went in ( I only went to the last session, that is how they do it). The therapist told me about it. I felt that he needed to go to the hospice to put those monsters to bed. So I enticed him with the lure of Santa and he decided he did want to go.

Nearer the time he changed his mind, “Mummy I don’t want to go.” But I explained that I had already accepted and we were going. On the day we drove there, this was a new experience for me, as during the time Kevin was in there, I didn’t once drive, I was always driven. We did get a bit lost, but found it eventually.

I have to admit that I haven’t been back since I left there, I also felt the need to stay away. I could feel my emotional insides closing up as we drew up there. Some of those awful memories were flooding back. But I put my best foot forward and in we strode.

I’m so glad we did go, both of us got so much from it. The Menace is very happy with his remote control car from Santa, and has told people about how he went to a party for children “like him”. I got to meet and chat to other people, of similar age in similar circumstance, not something I have been able to do, on a face to face basis.

I also noticed that some of the children there knew each other. I became aware that they have regular events there, so the kids get to support each other. By declining their offer of help, I had walked away from this, and now I regret it. Grove House, and the play therapy they offered to the Menace really helped him, but I am struck by how bureaucratic, and if I am honest, frustrating Grove House services are. They have always been keen to make clear what we are entitled to, which in the Menace’s case was six weeks of play therapy (although to be fair to them, they have made clear that if he needs more he can have it). I got a year’s counselling before Kevin died, I was struggling with feeling responsible for Kevin and also trying to help my dad with my mum, and it was causing Kevin and I to argue. When I had had a year, they told me that was what I was entitled to, so I stopped. They don’t offer any of the day events that St Francis do. In January the Hospice of St Francis are having a pony day, a fun day where the Menace will have a chance to have conversations with children his own age, that he would never have with other kids. We are going, I think it will help him to understand he is not the only one, in this situation. And, if I am honest, I found the chats with the other parents helpful to me. I am also told the cakes are good!

St Francis are lead by the individual, not by rules, you get what you need in terms of counselling and support not just a fixed amount, that is their rule. This is not the first time that I have noticed the difference between the two charities. Kevin was cared for by the Hospice at home nurses at Grove House, I found them slow to pick up on how ill he was and reactive to his needs. They delivered the bed rest he needed the day after he went into St Francis and the wheelchair to help him the day after he died. It was all too slow. It has to be said that he was very proud and did not want to be honest with anyone about how ill he was, but I expect the medical profession to be able to see through that.

Whilst this was a party I dreaded, I really got a lot out of it, and so did he. I am looking forwards to going back now.